You Know You're A Kiwi When...

The Houzz article yesterday about our house -  "Kiwi coastal style in Oakland" - got me thinking about what it is to be a Kiwi. Any one of you could be a closet Kiwi, check out the requirements below...

You're a Kiwi when...

Good Kiwi holiday with the kids: Mum with Tony, Sharon, me and the Ford Falcon, Maraetai,  1968

1. You know being called a "dag" (good sort) is a compliment - even though it literally means a poopy blob hanging off a sheep's tail.

2. You wrote to Cadbury's (on tear-stained paper) when they made their big blocks smaller and started using palm oil instead of cocoa butter.  Public pressure made them change back. Don't fuck with our choccy, man!

3. Fridee night finds you at the Garden Centre, whatever your age or number of tattoes. Seriously. Gardening is the No. 1 pastime in NZ. Ask any New Zealander to name five perennials, quickasyoucan.

3. No matter how posh or successful you get, you still say at a bar: "Noone touch my drink, gotta take a slash."

4. When you were a kid your Dad wore "walk shorts" and knee-high socks with garters every day to work (a la Murray in Flight Of the Conchords) and you only just realised that was quite funny.

5. You always say "we" even if it's just you. The thing is...your mates (friends) could show up any minit and make it a "we".

6. You think: "What a bloody drongo" when your boss drones on.

7. Your sentences always go up at the end, eh??? Like a question, eh???

8. Everyone you know has something to get them out onto the water: a catamaran, a sail boat, a dingy, a yacht ...and it doesn't mean they're rich or privileged.

Rowing with Auntie and Uncle, Maraetai, 1970

9. When Coronation Street switched from nightly to twice a week the public outcry was front page news, and the national network had to change it back. Our then 89-year-old grandfather, who was from Manchester, was at the front of the protest stampede.

10. You know what it means when everyone says "O for awesome." That is courtesy of our world title boxer David Tua appearing many years ago on a competition show where he had to spell something. He was being serious.

11. Yours is the only culture in the world where "Yeah no, no, no, yeah" is a common phrase and known by all to be a "Yes".  As in: "Yeah I know what you mean, no truly I do, and yes, no, you're right."

12. You are not surprised when the Prime Minister of NZ sits down next to you on your domestic flight and has a chat about whether to choose the lollies (jet planes and jaffas) or the small bag of chips (potato crisps) as your snack on the flight when the flight attendant comes around.

13. When awareness/fundraiser campaigns means getting the phone number of NZ-famous people from your local mechanic (literally!) and making great songs. This year's cases in point: Flight of the Conchords and the Cure Kids campaign. And the Pink Ribbon Breast cancer awareness.

14. A disconcerting number of your old classmates who live down the beach from your parents seem to have won Olympic medals. Which makes it pretty awkward for your parents if they want to have a quick "skite" (show off) about your measly achievements. (Seriously. Taking population in account, Kiwis were 3rd overall.)

15. You watch this video and you laugh and cry and watch it again... Beached As...

16. You put on 15 lbs during your "OE" (two years overseas experience, mandatory for Kiwis). No worries, you'll cover up your fat arse up with your Adidas tracky pants. You put on a couple more lbs, the zips on the sides break, what the heck, turn the other cheek.

17. No matter how shitty your day, if your Mum were here to whip up a batch of date scones, it'd all be goodasgold.

18. You were brought up in a tiny town in Bumfucknowhere (not swearing, it's a technical term.) You spent the first half of your life trying to get the hell out of there - and the next half trying to get back. Too late, you can't afford it...James Cameron just bought it up.

19. However old you get, you'll always be "Madeleine and Arthur's eldest girl, you know the one with the pimples who never had a boyfriend...poor thing."

Caravan holidays with the Hendersons (me top right, age 15) 

Chime in with your own suggestions! Both mud (bad) and choice (good).

(And thanks to Pietra Brettkelly and Sharon (above left) for contributions, the sweary words are all mine.)