Sunday, November 20, 2011

WTF Fun In The Sun

At some point in every vacation with the kids I feel like yelling "What the fuck! What the fuck is the fucking point?!!" packing my bags and heading home.

Paradise Lost: the kids' room

I reached that point on Day Two here in Hawai'i. The kids were fighting incessantly and unceasingly. If the second word is a redundant synonym, I apologise, I just wanted to cover every minute of their waking hours. The two middle kids actually disagreed this morning about how much they fight.
Me: You two kids fight all the time, it's unbelievable!
Middle child one: You've got to be kidding me, we don't fight ALL the time.
Middle child two: Yes we do! You've got to be kidding me, we fight all the time!

And so on for an hour.  They nudge, push, pull and trip.  And when we plead with them to stop, they persist, but quietly, whispering and hissing. The other two stir the pot. This is nothing new but somehow I thought a brighter tropical sun might burn off the squabble haze enveloping the Bickerville Four. Silly old me.

And yes, maybe I thought staying in a nice hotel would provide a buffer. But in fact it doesn't matter what you pay and where you go: hotels are simply expensive camping. Would you close off the rest of your house and live in your bedroom for a week? Trudge around a triangle of 100 feet from bedroom to food to a pool where 150 kids have peed in the last 12 hours?  Hand wash your work-out gear every night and attend a yoga class in a room the size of a box? Watch Cy, seven, select his clothing from the dirty washing bag every day?

Would you go to restaurants where the lettuce is brown and wilty, the chicken over-salted and tired because you're on an island and almost everything on the menu is shipped (even some of the fish) from the US ....and even the smallest and simplest of meals costs $20 and upwards? At $15 a glass, drink wine you've never heard of, and not in a good way.

The breakfast conversations make it all worthwhile though. Did I ever tell you my kids don't talk much? The one exception being the three boys will have lengthy discussions about college basketball players. If they do mention non college basketball-playing people in their lives they have four categories: "nice" "okay" "kinda annoying" and "super-annoying." Sooo... I say brightly and hopefully -  in what way is that person "super-annoying"? Give me some examples.  At this point there is a glimmer of faint camaraderie amongst the kids when they all glance at each other wide-eyed, smile and chorus: "Dunno. They're just SUPER-ANNOYING!!! O. Kaaay???" and go back to eating their Fruit Loops.

To be fair, seven year old Cy does talk a wee bit. And for this vacation he's decided to speak all day in a cockney accent, the authenticity of which rivals Dick Van Dyke playing Ned the chimney sweep in Mary Poppin. "Hey ho me guvnors wha a' ya doin' in thar - eh, eh? Bit of a larf eh? eh???" he calls as he knocks on our door at 6.30am. (We just had two complaints about this.)

Cy has also somehow picked up a very sweet trait: during his sentences he'll introduce the word "Mother" while raising his middle finger (the wrong way, but I'm not going to tell him that).

And then of course there is Tallulah, 10, who talks a bit but only sometimes. Last night Tallulah appeared at our bathroom door. Kevin was brushing his teeth while I was in bed. Not knowing I could hear her through the air vents, she soliloquized richly about the ills of being the only girl amongst three brothers and the various injustices leveled against her during the day, including but not confined to: everyone else likes playing football on the beach but she wants to go horse-back riding; everyone else wants to swim in the sea, she likes the pool better; we always take other peoples' sides and don't realise she's always in the right; we don't tell off Cy because he's cute and the youngest.....

After a half hour of this, I heard her say to Kevin: "Do you think I'm like Mum?"

That was sort of sweet of her and I smiled as I adjusted my legs ... it was hard to feel comfortable because our bed was sloping to the left and I was lying on the thin edge of the wedge.

"Do you think I'm like Mum?" Tallulah asked again"Always complaining all the time?" 

It's the next morning and we're on the beach. It hasn't rained for a year in Maui and now it's pissing down. Mother finger.

Me and Jackson in the rain


  1. Leah and I are re-thinking our family plans. OMG LOL! You poor Mum. I'm the oldest of three. I know we drove my mother crazy. I don't know how she handled it she was a single mother!

  2. I am so sorry but tallullahs comments have made me laugh I so relate to that and the arguing, it's what my sister and I did to my parents but you know what when I look back on it we both loved our holidays with them!
    Just think how wonderfully happy you'll be to get home!
    Holiday hugs

  3. I'm laughing at the state of the kids' room! I think a weekend looking after children would kill me, I'm so used to being on my own and moan about spending so much time alone - maybe I could job share with you?

  4. That bedroom? A familiar sight. My boys (15,10) have bedrooms so messy one keeps all his clothes on the floor, and the other has recently been looking for a 2x2cm square of a Colonel badge and emptied various boxes of stuff onto the floor. He didn't find the badge and didn't put the stuff away either. There is barely a cm of visible floor now.

    They are forever insulting and swearing at each other. It's exhausting!!

    Hope you have a nice holiday...

  5. I'm not laughing, honest!

    Messy rooms, brown lettuce and rain. Sounds like a lovely holiday. Just remember it's these experiences that make for great family memories..... *runs away quickly*

  6. Thank god I am not the only one with kids who never hang up clothes!! I hope that rain goes away for the remainder of your holiday!:)

  7. Haha! Your kids have thecutest personalities! :)

  8. OMGoodness. I'm trying so hard not to laugh, but I really cannot help myself! Between the bedroom pic (all too familiar) and the fighting kids (what I'm actually hearing here too), it is simply too much!

    I hope the rain dissipates, the food improves and you make memories to last a lifetime!

  9. This post made me laugh out loud...more than once! Awww, the "joys" of vacation. Hope the sun comes out soon!!!!

    Stop by this week and enter my fantastic pillow giveaway!! Giveaway closes on Wednesday 9pm.

    Hand in there!!!xo

  10. Ahhhh! I am sooo sorry! I hate when hotels don't deliver on the promise and it sounds like it effecting everyone's mood!

    But, I must admit, I laughed at your pain (but hopefully only in the way you intended me too!)

  11. Lawks, I feel your pain (I seem to be saying that to a lot of people recently). My two also fight incessantly when they are together (thankfully not often these days). The last time, it was because my daughter tried to stick her toes up her brother's nose whilst shrieking "smell my feet, fatty!" The bedrooms are the same too. There is nothing new under the sun. Or the rain...

  12. okay this post made me laugh, then made me panic, then made me decide that 2 children is plenty!!! I feel for you . . . but thank you for sharing as it makes me feel sane that vacations with kids are like that for others :) ..... go check into the spa for 2 days ha ha ha

  13. It hasn't rained for a year and now it's pissing down

    Something tells me I'm enjoying your holiday more than you are!

  14. it never fails, at some point on holiday, i long to return home. day 2, though? that beats my record.

    hope the rain lets up (and the bickering).

  15. You take work out gear on holiday?? THIS is why you are so slim....I take the 'I'm on holiday I can eat what I like' attitude...this is why I am not slim.
    p.s. one day you will miss the mess and the noise..honestly!

  16. Sooooo, we're back from a day at [crowded] Disneyland- still in 'birthday celebration' mode (aka- sitting on the couch, having a cocktail), and after experiencing (sorry for the run-on sentence) PLENTY of fighting, I had to open my computer and show Ryan your post (which I had read late last night, but was too tired to comment).

    It made us 1) laugh, and 2) feel so much better about our own dysfunctional life, "bitter" children, and squabbling kids.

    So, thank you for that!! (keep enjoying those 10am cocktails =))

  17. Tallulah is so sweet!! I liked her comment!
    I am so sorry for the rain!! Hope it goes away!

  18. oh girl..I am feeling your pain..I have yet to vacation with teh little guy...but it is not sounding like anything I should RUSH

    And rain in Hawaii? Come ON!!!
    Hope you have a wonderful turkey day..

  19. Oh, I say, it sounds like you're having such fun.

    You know, you could have done this at home, and saved a lot of money.

    Oops. (Bear departs hastily.)

  20. Just laughed out loud!! Love it!

  21. Haha too funny! Hope you're having a fabulous time! xoxo

  22. I hope you are enjoying your time despite the rain! Happy Thanksgiving!

  23. ohmygosh, it rained?! :O

    but anyways, i hope everyone is having a good time -- even with the rain and the fighting! ;)

    <3, Mimi
    $100 Shopbop Gift Card Giveaway

  24. Did I write this??? OMG, hope it turns itself around but maybe you'll feel better to know that you are certainly not alone:)

  25. Jody- Happy Thanksgiving! Your paradise exploits have me laughing out loud.

    So sorry about the expensive, bad food. Here at my inlaws we have leftovers for a week. There are full coolers on the deck as well as two fridges.


  26. I think there are two types of people who attend yoga classes the ones who are happy to be there and are pleasant and polite. The unhappy ones who do not smile, would not move over to save their lives and would never laugh at your jokes.
    You made me laugh out loud.

  27. I've mentioned this post over at my blog.

  28. Be thankful, my little uns never stop talking....ever!

  29. lol. i feel ya. i always say, with the kids it's not a vacation , it's a trip. ;)


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...