It's called a colonoscopy, a test you take when you turn 50. Oh, I hear you groan. I know, this procedure gets a bad rap, but if there's one thing that living in California for 11 years has taught me: it's all in the way you present it. Positive spin people! Let's call it a "gift" (The other day I actually heard a radio caller on NPR describe her cancer as a "gift." Oh. Dear.)
This thorough cleanse begins the day beforehand and continues right up until you leave for the hospital. You have to drink two gallons of this globunous yellow liquid rapidly and - not to put too fine a point - stay close to the amenities. What a wonderful opportunity to Netflix all those shows you've been meaning to see. Or indeed, scrub the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush. Special times.
You have to show up at the hospital the next day with a driver who will stay for the two-hour procedure and take you home. I didn't want to put a friend through this and Kevin was away so I hired a driver through a care company.
My driver-carer showed up to the house and ushered me down to her very battered car. (More battered than ours.) No judgement, maybe she just had some bad luck in parking. She seemed very sweet and eager to please and, fair dues, did not have her car lined with bin bags (in case of accident) as you would have expected.
"You look fit for a Mom" she said "I should have got your advice after I had my daughter."
How old is your daughter? I asked.
31, she said.
Inside the car smelled strongly of...what? Of "the wacky baccy" as my Dad would say.
Registering at the hospital waiting room I felt a bit like a Nora No-Friends. All the rest of the patients were chatting and laughing with their "person" who was a friend. I was the only one with a paid-for carer. My carer. Who was....where? Nowhere to be seen. I found her down the hall chatting up a male nurse and gently herded her back to a seat next to me.
Eventually I found myself clad in an airy garment relaxing in a hospital ward. Then, as my friend said: "Basically they stick a hose up your bum and you just pray you stay under."
Gentle readers I did (stay under) and it was a gift...
LOL!!! You are crazy. Why didn't you call me!?ReplyDelete
love the way you tell your stories . . .ReplyDelete
Hilarious! You're such a great, fun writer!ReplyDelete
Oh dear, Lord, you had me in stitches. Ewwwww! I especially love that you had a driver. That is something I would do and then also feel silly sitting in the waiting room with my hired hand. Worse yet: making your housekeeper take you. ; )ReplyDelete
OH my!!!!!! How horrendously awful... I mean fantastically wonderful this gift sounds. And all the little extras! You lucky lucky lady!!!ReplyDelete
LOLOLOL! I know I should show some sympathy here but I'll get to that once I've stopped crackling hysterically. You really have a knack for putting a witty spin on something that's supposed to be rather horrific. Eeeks....does that mean I've got to get mine done in 10 years' time??!ReplyDelete
Oh I hated that test! So glad it was over, right?? All that fasting is one of the worst things for me. I hope your tests all came our good! Love Di ♥ReplyDelete
I had a colonoscopy scheduled and drank the fluid which then made me so sick I was up all night....Had to cancel. Sooo I am still carrying the extra weight!Ha!ReplyDelete
Art by Karena
A good friend of mine had it done a few years ago. I remember eagerly asking if I could come visit but she shyly explained that it was best to stay away. Boy was that a gift.ReplyDelete
Not looking forward to that in a couple of years!!ReplyDelete
I've seen these done on tv, I think if it helps clear you all out, then it's a good thing. People put a lot of junk in their bodies and cleansing that all away, even with something like this that sounds uneasy is worth it!! Hope you have a great weekend doll xxReplyDelete
Thank goodness you've not turned to fad detoxes/cleanses, our bodies do all that work for us every single day, I was about to be the voice of dissent! That's interesting we don't get anything like that over here.ReplyDelete
Ha! Well.. I'm coming over there then because all these procedures (mammograms included.. why must they turn my boob in to a pancake!) are ridiculous!Delete
A positive spin on a colonoscopy! Wow, you are a seriously glass-half-full-kind-of-girl xxReplyDelete
your post (vomit, fashion, bicycle-riding utensils and all...) are a true gift.ReplyDelete
Oh. My. Goodness. You made me laugh.ReplyDelete
Thanks, I needed it on this dreary morning.
Hilarious!!!! Brilliantly told. Only in California could you hire a driver through a care company ... love it!!ReplyDelete
but how much weight did you lose?:-) i love the weed-smoking driver in the shit-rig (pardon the pun)...ReplyDelete
Not sure of the exact amount don't weigh myself. But two of the sweetest words in English language. Loose Jeans. After a weekful of eating , back to squeaky tight again...Delete
I thought from the title that you finally got a crew in to clean up your house. Shows you how bizarre a Bear can be.ReplyDelete
Gifts; all good things come to an end.
Yes, it def not the gift that keep on giving...Delete
This is too funny, I'm sorry. I feel bad for laughing in a way.ReplyDelete
My husband is a doctor and I hear all kinds of stories about different proceedures. Which of course only makes me dread them more, especially as I am friends or acquaintances with the majority of the people who would have to do them... UGH. I'd say your gift was your anonymity!! But yes, the clense must have been a 'nice' benefit too.
This is hilarious, not the procedure, but my friends and I'm sitting on the beach. Colonoscopies came up and we worked out a driving arrangement! I heard ten pounds. I will schedule mine to get rid of thisReplyDelete
Seven pounds and I've kept it off!Delete
So worth it ;-)
I do not think I could do this but I think we need to hear the part 2 of this adventure did you feel much lighter after?ReplyDelete
Lighter, out of it, then ready to do some carb loading.Delete
Have. No. Words.ReplyDelete
Been there sister!!! .. and mine was horrible. I'm on the ten year plan.. however I'm done and not doing that again.ReplyDelete
Hope you are feeling better and have a wonderful weekend!
Me too, next time I see that Dr will be when I'm er ....60Delete
Did they give you a recording of the procedure that you caould watch at home?ReplyDelete
Did they find anything?
Are you OK?
All good Downunder. No recordings available.Delete
Is it so bad? I am nearly two years over due for my first, ah, cleanse.ReplyDelete
I'll need someone to make the appointment AND drive me!
Oh god, you've just reminded me, I need to do that. Dreading it. Apparently there are pills you can take instead of chugging that awful stuff? Please, somebody. Tell me that's true.ReplyDelete
Oh know, don't tell me there was a pill, typical me, not reading about the alternatives....Delete
I too have doe this. Worst part is drinking the stuff that tastes like household cleaner. It was gross. As far as the quality time in the bathroom, I read that night someone say that you drink the first liter and empty the entire contents of your intestines. Then you d rink the second liter, time travel into the future and start letting go of food you haven't even eaten yet. Seemed pretty accurate to me!ReplyDelete
Nail on the head. Yes, you do do a bit of time travel I feel (oops the kids will say: "Made you write do-do")Delete
Just embrace it and don't let it gross you out. I had it a month ago and woke up 20 minutes into it. Watched the last 10 minutes on the tellyReplyDelete
You don't have to be a star baby! (singing...)Delete
Been thee, done that....and as for the Mammogram..*winces*ReplyDelete
Yep had similar, and the family laughed when I couldn't be more than 3 feet away from a loo!ReplyDelete
This is such a funny tale. I hope you passed the test, and I'm glad you got a little good diet. :)ReplyDelete
LOL "Nora No-Friends"!! I totally LOL'd at that one. And your care-driver.ReplyDelete
Too funny! Oh well at least the 'cleanse' is over with!!
wha-ha-ha... sorry, I am not laughing at you.. I'm laughing with you. Seems like the caregiver was not very caring after all... :(ReplyDelete
Ouch! Special times indeed!ReplyDelete
That sort of "cleanse" sounds like the kind of thing that would help a girl fit into a dart dress, no?ReplyDelete
Glad you are on the mend!
xo style, she wrote
Is your bathroom floor still sparkling? I shall take note of that tip and take a toothbrush with me: my grouting needs some attention.ReplyDelete
Somehow I missed this post-and I'm glad I caught it. I'm 52 and have been 'puttin off' filling out the paperwork for my 'cleansing'. You did good-so I must follow suit. Thanks for the encouragement. I like the idea of a good roto rooter ever now and then!ReplyDelete