Thursday, May 3, 2012

Where the hell are your pants?

Why is everything I try on way too short? I'm not talking about va-jay-jay skimming minis. I'm talking average dresses and skirts. It's like designers think we have all transformed into Mad Men's coltish Jessica Pare singing Zou Bizou Bizou.

Me with the photoshopped legs needed for this dress...

The above purple thingy is my latest purchase - a consumate "where-the-fuck-are-your-pants?" number.

Please don't look at the following photos if you are pregnant or you have a heart condition. This is how exposed it left my legs when I sat down...

No, please, please...

My eyes! My eyes!

This is how short it is in the back...


Jody: I beg you not to bend over.
I know some of you are young - or have great legs - but my 50-year-old ones are no longer for public consumption. And no amount of exercise (and I do no amount) will exorcise the jiggly pink bits.

And even if the celebs are doing it, it doesn't look right on them either.

Girls! Get back inside and put your pants on! 1. 2. 3 .4.

I don't know how I was talked into buying the purple DVF tunic.  "It's not a tunic" said the sales ass. "It's a proper dress. You wear it with this belt -  it looks great on you!" No it didn't, but I loved the colour so I suggested white jeans underneath. "If you have to wear pants - white leggings or jeggings" replied the sales ass.

No I don't do those - they just make my cellulite look white. And the next sales ass. who suggests leggings or jeggings to me (or worse - bicycle shorts!) will get a jolly good clip around the ear. Or at least a challenge to a dance-off. (No one bests my Dougy)

The DVF tunic-dress is going back. Usually Diane Von Furstenberg is reliable for a comfortable but sassy look for all ages. Et tu Diane?

Cy, 8, took a look at me sitting down. "Mum, that's brutal." Of course "brutal" is his new favourite word, but fair dues, this was a good use of it.

So the truth was spoken. And if even one designer reconsiders their hemlines, my work on this earth is done.


88 comments:

  1. You had me with the subject line!

    I have no clue how/when/why proper hemlines disappeared. In prep school, we had the finger tip rule - if you fingers didn't dangle beneath the hem... you were made to wear a Holly Hobby-esque tea length wrap skirt.

    I say "Bring Back the Finger Rule." It is like a Kardashian version of "The Emperor's New Clothes."

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  2. Oh Jody - I just snorted into my seltzer. This is hilarious - and i must borrow your photoshopped legs sometime...

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    1. PS-ed legs - bronze and lithe - are here on my computer anytime for you!

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  3. This happened to me when I went into a surf shop and picked out a swing top. The svelte surfie chick behind the counter said "oh you can wear that as a dress too if you like" yep, I have legs like a rugby player LOL

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    1. Vicky, and that's why I have bought many an unsuitable tie-dyed filigree number from surf shops over the years...

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  4. Hysterical!!!! But you are so right...too short!!! And usually DVF works well, for me too!!! I hope you have given sufficient proof to said designers that we 50 year olds need things cute a bit longer. Thank you for being our spokeswoman!!!

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  5. While Bear is not usually haute on haute couture, he found your latest bit on dress (or is it un-dress) quite fascinating. And your legs look great! It's all about wearing your age well, and being comfortable in your own skin. (God help you if you are not comfortable!)

    I share Cy's assessment. Unless you're 50 going on 29. And at 29 you might still be too mature for that purple whatever. "Tunic" I think you called it. Excellent observation.

    But then, what does Bear really know about women's dress. Or un-dress.

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    1. Rob-bear - "undress" hits the nail on the hem!

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  6. I've had my day with short dresses too unfortunately. It's one of the sad signs of ageing. That and cropped tops. Ugh!

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    1. Cropped tops, don't even go near those guys...

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  7. I just about have to wear leggings with all of my dresses, I get so pissed off when I go shopping for a dress and I can't find a medium length dress that doesn't show my ass when I bend over. I would have bought that dress because of the colour x

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    1. Hi Michelle, thanks for stopping by, great to meet you. Yes, this tunic-dress demands a lot of knee bending stuff, that's for sure!

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  8. Bwhahahaha!
    For the fact alone that you have the brass to post pics like that I have fallen head over heels....
    I know it's weird, but Will You Marry Me????? ;)

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  9. That would be cute as a tunic, but a dress? Not in my world!

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  10. Designers have gone mad. Of course, I just posted about whether or not I can still wear a romper which means I too have gone mad. I know you are super skinny and could probably rock the DVF tunic/dress, but I too worry about simply looking silly. That, and well, I just don't want to accidentally show my fat arse to anyone anymore!

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    1. A romper? I heading over right now! After my narrow escape from the all-in one pantsuit thing - Kardashian Fashpashian - I am sticking to two bits of clothing

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  11. oh, i've been covering it all up for years!! i hope to look as good as you at 50!! stellar!!

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    Replies
    1. Elle - I'll have to master one of your fantastic make-up tutorials to bring the (smoky) eye up!

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  12. Tunics? This is so funny!! As a 52 year old I can totally relate. I'm trying to do a little spring/summer shopping and the heels and hems are way too high. I have my 21 yr old daughter (with legs up to her neck) telling me .. oh don't worry about it mom, your look fine.. Lol There comes a time when it doesn't work ~skin changes......

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  13. OH MY GOSH.... seriously Jody, when are you getting your own TV show????? You are too funny!

    Love the new header!

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  14. I love this post. My fiance's relatives in Kerala have the opposite idea - the fashion there is to wear a mid-thigh tunic or dress over loose leggings or jeans. I have literally never seen a single adult Indian woman's knee. Ever.

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  15. Hahaha seriously Jody, you have me rolling on the floor!!! I feel you though. I have the same problem. I used to have good legs, well minus the very upper thigh part but about two years ago it all started to sag! And it keeps sagging more and more by the minute. What's with that? I can't even wear a bunch of my old skirts and dresses. Way too short for me. I have to say though, you do have lovely legs. I would die for them :)

    Have a great weekend! xoxo

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    1. I used to like my knees (I know, kind of pathetic admission) now the slippage has seriously taken over!

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  16. I have just snorted my soup through the nose, thanks for the laugh. I totally agree, why are those 'dresses' so short??? I think nobody over 25 can look good in them and even then it is questionable.,,

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  17. haha, this made me laugh quite a few times. I hate when tunics are worn without leggings or something.. it looks naked.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, love your name. I do like to think of myself as The Management too but noone around me seems to want to be managed (dog included)

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  18. I think we were having the same kind of day!! I put on a skirt I hadn't put on in a while to take my daughter to school and I spent more time trying to pull it down than walking, it was very annoying, so I put it in the charity pile as soon as I returned home. I don't like short short dresses/skirts really. Thank you for coming by, I really appreciate your kind words and I think you could very well wear any of those dresses in my post without standing behind a cardboard cutout!! ;-) Have a super weekend doll, you are stunning!! xx

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    1. Hi there, thanks for stopping by! Yes, the pulling and tugging takes a lot of energy....

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  19. Hey, there's a reason we at mid-forties and over start wearing Maxi's, because of those legs that just do not look the same, as you have said even if we work out... I am longing for a uniform for this second half of my life...

    xo
    m

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  20. Oh man, thanks for a good chuckle--WITH you of course ;) I must say you had a far better chance with that dress/tunic that I ever would have. The Sales ass would have looked at me in it and realised they coud never have even begun to sell it--even with the white jeggings (ugh to those too).

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  21. Being a bloke, I have been informed by my Beloved that I have the sartorial instincts of a cattle beast so I don't think it's fair for a good keen man to comment on fashion.

    What's wrong with a black singlet and shorts anyway?

    However, just a few little questions.

    WTF is/are jeggings. Leggings I understand (sort of) as my Beloved wears them on occasion, but ALWAYS with a top like that one you pictured at the start of your post. Seeing a 60+ year old lady (however fit she is) in leggings and a blouse is not good for the digestion.

    Are jeggings some sort of mutant combination between jandals and leggings?

    Please remember that sales assisstants are not there to assisst you. They are there to assisst sales.

    There's a difference.

    Enjoy yourself in Oakland, I'm going to sit down on the porch and have a large L & P (plus Gin), munch some Lammingtons and my beloved is making Feijoa Ice Cream for tea.

    Do you ever get homesick?

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    1. Welcome to the blog TSB! A black singlet and shorts is what all the blokes in New Zild wore when I was growing up and I feel it's now a "classic: (another of Cy's new words)
      Lamingtons? You lucky TSB! Don't make me jealous!

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    2. Jeggings are thick tights without the feet in them sold for the same price as jeans...

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    3. "Jeggings are thick tights without the feet in them sold for the same price as jeans..."


      Ugh!

      I'm also planning a Cheerio feast with tomato sauce (Wattie's) next week.

      BTW Ignore looby's comments, he's almost as bitter and twisted as me, but without the nicer, less nihilistic side.

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    4. My varsity friends worked at Watties in their school hols, picking out the bad peas on the conveyor belts. Those peeps have high standards..

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  22. Ugh, I'm with you. And I think you have fabulous legs. There's just something so weird about the proportion of the tunic/dress. It's not flattering.

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    Replies
    1. I agree - TMM (too much material) at the top...and not enough at the hem

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  23. What a brilliant post and so true ..... I am another decade on to you and still love fashion. I shop mostly in All Saints but have to be very careful not to cross the line. Nowdays, you have to be 16 or under to wear most things that are on sale on the High Street !!
    ..... and, thanks so much for your lovely comment today. I love Girls Guide's blog....and, yes, you are right. The photos were taken by me in Gloucestershire.
    Have a lovely weekend. XXXX

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    1. Love All Saints - just come into California and it's incredibly successful. I do go into Forever 21 but only buy the jewels....Gloucestershire- I spent a year of my life there working at the Gloucestershire Echo (for my sins!)

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  24. i had fun reading this post! i hate "where the hell are your pants" outfits! i do like wearing short dresses though, but i make sure it's still long enough to cover the things that need to be covered, haha! ;)

    <3, Mimi
    http://whatmimiwrites.blogspot.com/

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    1. Mimi - you are young - you would look fab in short!

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  25. I've noticed that most of the teenage girls around here wear very, very short skirts and shorts - and sadly, not many of them have the legs for it either! This does not appear to be a problem for them though - whereas when I was a teenager, you would not have worn a mini unless you had skinny legs.

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    1. Oh I so agree with this! I remember that unspoken rule: you only wear minis and midriff baring tops IF you had the legs and/or tummy for it. Don't know what's happening to the teens today. They just go for it regardless of whether it's flattering or not. My 11 year old daughter has been well-versed on this subject. She does have the legs for short skirts but the question is, does she want to display them to all and sundry? I always tell her you can't select who gets to see your exposed bits. The cute boys in the neighbourhood can see as well as the old man in the park. I'm terrible, I know.

      Tracy.

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  26. I love it!!!

    http://estilohedonico.blogspot.pt/

    xoxo

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  27. You are one of those people who say out loud what everyone else is thinking. Well done! You are a beautiful woman and look amazing at 50. I think we need more role models like you. You demonstrate that mature women can look just as sexy as younger ones....we just need to learn to play up our best assets and not draw attention to knees and whatever else is naturally changing and making us not that keen to be on display.

    Tracy - 38 and proud of it.

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    1. Hi Tracy - thanks for stopping by and your lovely comment

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  28. I am 27 and VERY jealous of your legs. I say rock it! Love Elle xo

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    1. Elle, thanks for stopping by so I could find your blog. 27? You are too too young to be submitted to these photos! (shield your eyes!)

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  29. I suppose you know you are getting old when you think it's a blouse/ tunic but it's actually a dress. But with these legs you look great in the dress.

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  30. Hahaha! Every single time I visit your site I leave laughing - love it! But in all seriousness...the color is gorgeous; nevertheless, it is fairly short. I think that white skinny jeans and gold strappy sandals would have looked lovely with it. :)

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  31. I didn't spot the photoshopped legs at first haha! And are you sitting on the toilet seat, missus? Too funny.

    I'm clinging on to the hope that maxi dresses are here to stay...

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    1. Oops, I was hoping no one would notice...Of course the lid is down - as you know there are very high standards on this blog...

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  32. Oh-Em-Gee! Sales ass is the word. I still think that this tunic is glamorous and like you said it would look incredible with skinny white pants in the summer and wedges. I say keep it. Am I evil or what? ;)

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  33. i didn't spot the photoshopped legs either! but i do think you look great - seriously fabulous and the color is great on you. i do know what you mean about thing being too short. i am always adding leggings to my "dresses"

    screw that sales lady......:)

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  34. But then, the maximini means to show the legs.
    I like the purple color.

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  35. Couldn't agree with you more! Plus I'm tall, so it's even worse! I see those "dresses" exclusively as tops.

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  36. I'm DYING DYING DYING laughing!!!
    Have a pretty day!
    Kristin

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  37. I have noticed dresses are shorter these days. And I am not sure how many times I've heard a sales girl say "you wear it with leggings"!

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  38. Great post! I totally agree with your sentiments. Why do our hems need to be crotch high?? xo style, she wrote

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  39. its too short,haha but purple and gold does look fabulous.

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    Replies
    1. Yes will be sad to send that gorgeous purp back...

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  40. Jody you hit the nail on the head every time! Those legs are great and I did think they were yours on first look...and in fact yours are pretty damn good anyway. I too have the knee issue and so would love that DVF tunic 'cos the colour is fantastic, but would have to wear it over something! and by the way..we have booked Paxos!!

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    1. Libby - cool - I hope Paxos is as fresh and lovely as it was 15 years ago when I was there (and not turned into a rave scene), looks like it from my google pics..http://www.paxos-greece.com/

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  41. Jody,
    I am sick, SICK, S I C K to my boots of too-short dresses. Hello designers - when did everything turn into beachwear? Or do you think all your customers at 5ft 1in? Have you forgotten that some of us go to interviews, have meetings, pick up stuff from the bottom shelf in the supermarket and have to bend over?

    Or even - SHOCK HORROR - that some of us choose not to put ankle to thigh in a public domain preferring the suggestion of leg rather than the revelation of it?

    I write this wearing a dress, or it could be a tunic, or a top, over leggings. In which my legs have been permanently encased for the past three years. Due to the sensitive matter of not wishing to be described as mutton, not even still-decent-pins mutton dressed as lamb.

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    1. Sally, a new category: still-decent-pins not mutton dressed as lamb...designers take note.

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  42. He descubierto tu blog y me ha encantado su contenido. Desde hoy lo sigo, si lo deseas te invito a conocer mi blog y si es de tu agrado, me gustaría tenerte como seguidora en mi blog para seguir en contacto. Un saludo muy cordial.
    Manoli.

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  43. I never thought I'd wear leggings again after the 80s - when I wore them with just a top - a top-sized top - yes.... I could do that then... But now I have rediscovered the joy of leggings - and despite the tops now resembling khaftans, I also add a shorter skirt or shorts under that too JUST IN CASE. No area reasonably near the rear must be devoid of several layers now - it's just not safe. Love use of the term Sales Ass. Will be stealing this forevermore. Oh and anyone suggesting jeggings should be instantly shot. A mixture of leggings and jeans was my understanding - ie nasty cheap-looking spray-on stretchy jeans for those too flabby to get into real jeans. Really not a good idea even for the skinny. May this phase soon pass.... Do you have those PS legs printed up as a life-size cardy-cut-out? THAT would be a great idea.... (if you're good at standing still).

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  44. Jody,

    Thanks for this post! About time someone ratted out these designers and creations like these "tunics." I can't imagine anyone over 13 looking good or even appropriate in these! The jeggings are a joke too! Sales Ass was perfect! how could these people in a good conscience recommend white ones!! I can't even wear the black ones. I just keep seeing people looking scary in them.

    You are clearly so pretty and youthful looking, you could probably pull them off, but look at the celebs! Horrors! We all need a pair of those photoshopped legs!

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  45. Love that color of purple! =)

    http://pinkchampagnefashion.blogspot.com/

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  46. I have the same problem. my legs are not proper for minis (unfortunately). So midis and maxis are my only option. But most of them are not made for younger ages - i mean colours- shape-fabric. :(
    Are all the girls model like? NOT! and if you think that my country (Greece) is a meditteranean country and that means meditarrean body shapes....double NOT!
    Plus I think that lately there is too much skin esxposure...Am I the only one that think that midis are sexier? Girls just leave something for the imagination!

    And last but not least! You have a great body!!! Seriously!

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  47. I love that you posted those celeb photos--that Jessica Simpson, who is a billionaire and could wear ANYthing chose to wear a big sweater with no pants--I mean what does that say about our society? And please let the record reflect that purple is a great color on you and I think it would look great with some loose white linen pants... Hope all is well Jody and can't wait to see more pics of your cute new puppy.

    xo Mary Jo

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  48. I hear you! My legs are pretty good and can be publically consumed but there is something inately vulgar about wearing such high hem lines for the over forties I feel. But I do wear them sometimes just pair them with black leggings~!

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  49. i have noticed everything is shorter lately, as well. i do love the purple color, but you are right, it's not a dress...and if you don't wear leggings, then i see why you want to return it. don't listen to your kids, though...they don't know what they are talking about!

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  50. Darling, you have sweet legs! but I know what you mean though. I'm very petite and I still find dresses to be very short. Brazilian gals like it better that way, I don't think they realize they show their under-butts to everyone. I don't have gorg legs but if I did I probably wouldn't be too bothered about showing them once in a while.

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  51. never... ever ever EVER would i walk out of the house in something that short. in fact- i barely walk out of the house in SHORTS!

    "sales ass"... you crack me up =).

    & i always love your kids' commentary (on this post, and on your last one).

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  52. p.s. forgot to tell you last week- love the new header!!!

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  53. jody - brad said he thinks you look hot in the purple shirt, uh i mean dress :)

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  54. OMG if you can't get away with short, there's no hope for the rest of us mere mortals!

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  55. Hahahaha.....I couldn't stop laughing. This is hysterical. Kids have very definite ideas of how their moms should look like. Mine expects me to dress up during the school runs because she doesn't want an "ugly mom". I bought a Zara dress that reveals my crotch every time I raise my arms. I'm too much of a coward to wear it out.

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    1. Am having a obsessive moment on Zara at the moment - wonder which Zara dress this is...

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  56. You are so funny...I always crack up when I read your blog! You are beautiful and can totally rock that dress. I am self-conscious about my legs too, so I totally get it. Photoshop is the best. Have you read Tina Fey's book 'Bossypants'? She has a whole chapter on Photoshop.

    And I love your new header!

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    Replies
    1. Megan - I know I read that too! I have to learn photoshop (my son does mine). If Tina Fey is okay with it, I am too!

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  57. This is hysterical. Love this post. I have thought that things were getting shorter, too. :)

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