Monday, May 25, 2015

Aliens Landing

I thought my kids had reached the zenith of what therapists call resentful attachment. Maybe I just made that term up, but you know what I mean... "Get out of my life but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall." But actually I've discovered a more logical and scientific explanation. Aliens landed in our backyard one night and inhabited the kids for what we earthlings call the Teen Years. Little do they know I have cracked their code.


Before the "Eye-Roll Years"


*Eye rolling is clearly a signal to the Mothership and to each other that Kiwi EarthMother is in the room and to halt all Alien communications until she has left. I worked this out because any time I enter the room, I am greeted with an eye roll.

* Any seemingly rational and civilized observation or question on part of Kiwi EarthMother evokes the same look from them. I would describe it as a dizzying cocktail of pity-disgust-amazement - a look only Aliens could conjure.

*Alien No. 1, a 17 year old boy, must not be asked about school, grades, exams or graduation details. To do so is obviously a serious infringement of his Alien customs.  It simply will not be countenanced.

*Shrugging is part of their vocabulary and will suffice for an answer on any given subject.  I asked Alien No. 2, a 15 year old boy, if he had done anything that day. He shrugged. I repeated the question. Alien No 2 replied: "I said" - and he shrugged.

*Alien No 3, a 14 year old girl, will not be asked about friends, what they say, what she says back to them and why she is wearing that. All of that information is obviously classified on her planet. In addition she appears to have received (incorrect!) information from the Mothership that I am Crazy Kiwi EarthMother who will make a scene and embarrass her and anyone else in the vicinity and as such must be kept in the dark about all of the above.

*Child Four, a boy who is 11 years old, does not seem to have been taken over by the Aliens - yet. Though it appears he has an unusually selective memory. He cannot remember to return his homework to school. And yet the other day I found this photo from when he was at pre-school, eight long years ago. He said immediately: "Oh, I remember that popsicle. I remember it exactly!"

The popsicle from eight years ago that is well-remembered.


But yes, I'm the one that's winning on this, don't you worry about that. Oh ho ho. They are NOT getting the better of the earthling mother. And I am sure they are relaying this to the Mothership as we speak.


43 comments:

  1. You are lucky, I don't think I even got any pre-eye roll years. My daughters were perfect babies and then taken over by aliens by th age of two. They do release them when they are in their early twenties, if that consoles you. My 12 yo alien girl answers ANY questions about school or friends with 'it's... complicated' . I am obviously way too dense for the alien ways. But somehow I am supposed to know the gps location of her favorite socks. Surprise: they were found in the sock drawer of all places! She never thought to look there...

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    1. Yes! we have the "complicated" and "Hard to explain" from the 14 year old. Is there a telly programme where a girl says that?
      GPS location of her socks - hilarious!

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    2. Yes! She does say 'hard to explain'. All. The. Time.

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  2. Hilarious! I remember those years and I feel your pain.They don't really become earthlings again until they are almost 30, sad to say. At least mine didn't!

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  3. Humor is essential Kiwi EarthMother and you have that covered! How well I remember the alien invasion in my house!

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  4. Sooo funny and so true. I wonder how long Cy has before the Aliens get him. My 13yo is in full Alien mode these days including those car rides to the mall. The Aliens came for her exactly a year ago.
    I never believed that they would come back but my oldest two are 22 and 20 so hold fast, the Aliens will return your real earth children at about age 20. It seems a long time to wait but that's why they made wine. xo

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    1. DaniBP, cannot! believe you have a 22 year old. (child bride or picture of Dani Gray in the attic perchance??) That must be so cool for the 13 year old to have cool older siblings.
      Good news about the 20! thank you for letting me know! do they still eat lashings of white bread, salami and mayonnaise at that age?

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    2. The 13yo detests her older siblings because they are no longer Aliens!
      I was 22 when I had my son and in Uni. Very young then to have a baby and even more so now, I was barely out of my own Alien years... well, the food consumption hasn't changed but after living on their own as my son does they do NOT take food in the fridge for granted at all, that's the good news. The Aliens think the mothership sends all the food down and become irate when "there's nothing to eat"... I'm sure you have experienced that phenomena many many times.

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  5. Yes, we always come home and whatever time of night they have not fed themselves, despite fridge full of food. The "nothing to eat" syndrome in our house pertains to nothing-with-nuclear-reactive-products in it to eat

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    1. Ha! "Nothing to eat" after I went grocery shopping! Well, they are different species.

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    2. If it doesn't go into the toaster and pop out again, it won't be eaten

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  6. lol so life does exist on other planets, just hiding among teens. The eye roll never goes out of style though

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  7. God I am dreading this nonsense.

    Being a Kiwi have you watched Topof the Lakes by Jane Campion? Spooky and good x

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    1. Your wee chap is years from it. And may not happen to him.

      Top of the Lakes -Don't think its come here yet. Love Jane Campion. Saw What we do in the Shadows, about the vampires flatting together, hilarious, but very silly Antipodean sense of humour, don't know how it's doing in the US. Came to our local theatre but did not stay long.

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    2. Top of the Lake is on Netflix in the US. Just started binge watching yesterday - so good!

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  8. Oh the eye rolling… happy times! My 19 year old 'ironically' calls me crae-crae, an affectionate (I like to think) term from when she threw it at me like I really was. And she is still holding on tight to saying, 'I know!' for everything. I can start a sentence and she's so brilliant she actually knows exactly what I'm going to say AND what any possible answer could be. We're modest people but we like to think we've raised a genius.

    PS. That pic of your little blondie! What a cutie!

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    1. Hi Jane,
      I always wondered how to spell that expression Crae Crae which my friend Kenny uses all the time. Now I know!

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  9. Ugh, I wrote a reply in which I totally bashed my kids. Wouldn't ya know it, wi-if crapped out on me...or evil children got me again. They see all, know all, and I'm as smart as a box of rocks. Keep a sense of humor cuz they will annoy the shit out of you until you die :)

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  10. I do believe you have figured them out! I remember when I was a teenager I wondered if everyone's parents were from some other world. Now I'm older and I realize that we are from different worlds, but those worlds are merely separated by time, rather than planets and space.

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  11. Sometimes I have this blurry memory of being abducted by aliens myself...briefly I too knew their language....a long time ago now though ....x

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    1. You are well out the other side, Libby with your lovely kids

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  12. I feel your pain. My keep moaning that there isn't enough rubbish to eat - shop biscuits, not homemade cookies, etc. I told them to make themselves waffles, showed them how, and left them to it. As the waffles smell divine when they cook, they accept to eat this non-nuclear-toxic food. I'm expected to be grateful...

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    1. Wow! Homemade waffles! I was thinking of those dreadful ones you put in the toaster

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    2. I don't buy them, but real ones are so easy to make and I already have the waffle maker (which also has toasty maker bits but they don't touch those). The recipe I have doesn't put sugar in the mix so it cuts down a wee bit on the sugar rush. They like jam or Golden Syrup on their waffles. I don't offer maple syrup as it costs way too much for regular waffle dousing.

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  13. Oh, yeah, they've been to my house too.
    (Deep breaths to restore blood pressure)
    Lesson learned when oldest child, home on visit, accompanied me to Emergency Room where it turned out that some of the nurses were old friends from the days when I brought in the Children : a child is never too old to be embarrassed by her parents.

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    1. We were back in emergency over the weekend and I always do a loud "Yoohoo!" across the ward to a nurse that I recognised from back in the day

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  14. I was the nonalien teenager in my family, caused no trouble, was actually cheerful and enjoyed my parent's company. My 2 sisters on the other hand picked up the slack and drove my parents crazy. I've read that your children are your parent's revenge. I have a great daughter and the less said about my sister's kids the better.

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    1. Makes sense. I must have done something heinous in a former life

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  15. Love Ihis post! I'm the crazy Uncle who makes a cameo appearance every few years....my little brother and I regress several decades as we talk politics, my sister-in-law and mother laugh nervously, my little nephew tries to muffle his giggles of 'betrayal' over my roughing up little bro while I taunt him re our last wrestling match, lil bro decides he wants rematch and I pin him again amid protests of "cheating" by hooking my leg around the sofa to gain competitive advantage as their Westie pups go into chaotic frenzy....The Beat Goes On...

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    1. Funny, you never stop being the younger-older bruvver. I'm always tempted to trip my brother up as we're walking along

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  16. Fortunately, the aliens are here on earth only temporarily. Their visa expires when the host body turns 22 (usually!).

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    1. Noooo! we have four years to go then...and that's just the first one

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  17. Love this! I have 2 girls....teen and a tween and this is my life!

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    1. Hi April, good to know.
      I always feel like everyone else's family is perfect and what are we missing

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  18. This post has frightened me enormously, as have the comments from others!! Might go and rock in a corner in the foetal position gently right now in anticipation. x

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    1. Won't happen to your kids Heidi - promise

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  19. This post and comments are so funny made me laugh out loud. Been there done that with my own, now reliving those alien years with a granddaughter who is so brilliant she knows every.single.thing. Can't wait until she grows up and I revert to "normal".
    Clara

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    1. Hi Clara,
      Thanks for popping by and commenting!
      You have a lot of experience and know-how to "enjoy!!" those moments. LOL

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