Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Ultimate Cleanse

Every day we're barraged by new cleanses and de-toxinational whatsits. Makes you feel quite guilty if you're not doing any of them. But last week I did the ultimate cleanse -  one that any actress getting ready for the Emmys would have been jealous of.  Goodness knows how much weight I lost! And it was free!

Source

It's called a colonoscopy, a test you take when you turn 50. Oh, I hear you groan. I know, this procedure gets a bad rap, but if there's one thing that living in California for 11 years has taught me: it's all in the way you present it. Positive spin people! Let's call it a "gift" (The other day I actually heard a radio caller on NPR describe her cancer as a "gift." Oh. Dear.)

This thorough cleanse begins the day beforehand and continues right up until you leave for the hospital. You have to drink two gallons of this globunous yellow liquid rapidly and - not to put too fine a point - stay close to the amenities. What a wonderful opportunity to Netflix all those shows you've been meaning to see. Or indeed, scrub the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush. Special times.

You have to show up at the hospital the next day with a driver who will stay for the two-hour procedure and take you home. I didn't want to put a friend through this and Kevin was away so I hired a driver through a care company.

My driver-carer showed up to the house and ushered me down to her very battered car. (More battered than ours.) No judgement, maybe she just had some bad luck in parking. She seemed very sweet and eager to please and, fair dues, did not have her car lined with bin bags (in case of accident) as you would have expected.
"You look fit for a Mom" she said "I should have got your advice after I had my daughter."
How old is your daughter? I asked.
31, she said.

Inside the car smelled strongly of...what? Of "the wacky baccy" as my Dad would say.

Registering at the hospital waiting room I felt a bit like a Nora No-Friends. All the rest of the patients were chatting and laughing with their "person" who was a friend. I was the only one with a paid-for carer. My carer. Who was....where? Nowhere to be seen.  I found her down the hall chatting up a male nurse and gently herded her back to a seat next to me.

Eventually I found myself clad in an airy garment relaxing in a hospital ward. Then, as my friend said: "Basically they stick a hose up your bum and you just pray you stay under."

Gentle readers I did (stay under) and it was a gift...

49 comments:

  1. LOL!!! You are crazy. Why didn't you call me!?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hilarious! You're such a great, fun writer!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh dear, Lord, you had me in stitches. Ewwwww! I especially love that you had a driver. That is something I would do and then also feel silly sitting in the waiting room with my hired hand. Worse yet: making your housekeeper take you. ; )

    ReplyDelete
  4. OH my!!!!!! How horrendously awful... I mean fantastically wonderful this gift sounds. And all the little extras! You lucky lucky lady!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. LOLOLOL! I know I should show some sympathy here but I'll get to that once I've stopped crackling hysterically. You really have a knack for putting a witty spin on something that's supposed to be rather horrific. Eeeks....does that mean I've got to get mine done in 10 years' time??!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh I hated that test! So glad it was over, right?? All that fasting is one of the worst things for me. I hope your tests all came our good! Love Di ♥

    ReplyDelete
  7. I had a colonoscopy scheduled and drank the fluid which then made me so sick I was up all night....Had to cancel. Sooo I am still carrying the extra weight!Ha!

    xoxo
    Karena
    Art by Karena

    ReplyDelete
  8. A good friend of mine had it done a few years ago. I remember eagerly asking if I could come visit but she shyly explained that it was best to stay away. Boy was that a gift.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Not looking forward to that in a couple of years!!
    ~Anne

    ReplyDelete
  10. I've seen these done on tv, I think if it helps clear you all out, then it's a good thing. People put a lot of junk in their bodies and cleansing that all away, even with something like this that sounds uneasy is worth it!! Hope you have a great weekend doll xx

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank goodness you've not turned to fad detoxes/cleanses, our bodies do all that work for us every single day, I was about to be the voice of dissent! That's interesting we don't get anything like that over here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Well.. I'm coming over there then because all these procedures (mammograms included.. why must they turn my boob in to a pancake!) are ridiculous!

      Delete
  12. A positive spin on a colonoscopy! Wow, you are a seriously glass-half-full-kind-of-girl xx

    ReplyDelete
  13. your post (vomit, fashion, bicycle-riding utensils and all...) are a true gift.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh. My. Goodness. You made me laugh.
    Thanks, I needed it on this dreary morning.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hilarious!!!! Brilliantly told. Only in California could you hire a driver through a care company ... love it!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. but how much weight did you lose?:-) i love the weed-smoking driver in the shit-rig (pardon the pun)...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not sure of the exact amount don't weigh myself. But two of the sweetest words in English language. Loose Jeans. After a weekful of eating , back to squeaky tight again...

      Delete
  17. I thought from the title that you finally got a crew in to clean up your house. Shows you how bizarre a Bear can be.

    Gifts; all good things come to an end.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it def not the gift that keep on giving...

      Delete
  18. This is too funny, I'm sorry. I feel bad for laughing in a way.

    My husband is a doctor and I hear all kinds of stories about different proceedures. Which of course only makes me dread them more, especially as I am friends or acquaintances with the majority of the people who would have to do them... UGH. I'd say your gift was your anonymity!! But yes, the clense must have been a 'nice' benefit too.

    ReplyDelete
  19. This is hilarious, not the procedure, but my friends and I'm sitting on the beach. Colonoscopies came up and we worked out a driving arrangement! I heard ten pounds. I will schedule mine to get rid of this

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seven pounds and I've kept it off!

      So worth it ;-)

      Delete
  20. I do not think I could do this but I think we need to hear the part 2 of this adventure did you feel much lighter after?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lighter, out of it, then ready to do some carb loading.

      Delete
  21. Been there sister!!! .. and mine was horrible. I'm on the ten year plan.. however I'm done and not doing that again.

    Hope you are feeling better and have a wonderful weekend!


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too, next time I see that Dr will be when I'm er ....60

      Delete
  22. Did they give you a recording of the procedure that you caould watch at home?

    Did they find anything?

    Are you OK?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All good Downunder. No recordings available.

      Delete
  23. Is it so bad? I am nearly two years over due for my first, ah, cleanse.

    I'll need someone to make the appointment AND drive me!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh god, you've just reminded me, I need to do that. Dreading it. Apparently there are pills you can take instead of chugging that awful stuff? Please, somebody. Tell me that's true.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh know, don't tell me there was a pill, typical me, not reading about the alternatives....

      Delete
  25. I too have doe this. Worst part is drinking the stuff that tastes like household cleaner. It was gross. As far as the quality time in the bathroom, I read that night someone say that you drink the first liter and empty the entire contents of your intestines. Then you d rink the second liter, time travel into the future and start letting go of food you haven't even eaten yet. Seemed pretty accurate to me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nail on the head. Yes, you do do a bit of time travel I feel (oops the kids will say: "Made you write do-do")

      Delete
  26. Just embrace it and don't let it gross you out. I had it a month ago and woke up 20 minutes into it. Watched the last 10 minutes on the telly

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't have to be a star baby! (singing...)

      Delete
  27. Been thee, done that....and as for the Mammogram..*winces*

    ReplyDelete
  28. Yep had similar, and the family laughed when I couldn't be more than 3 feet away from a loo!

    ReplyDelete
  29. This is such a funny tale. I hope you passed the test, and I'm glad you got a little good diet. :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. LOL "Nora No-Friends"!! I totally LOL'd at that one. And your care-driver.

    Too funny! Oh well at least the 'cleanse' is over with!!

    ReplyDelete
  31. wha-ha-ha... sorry, I am not laughing at you.. I'm laughing with you. Seems like the caregiver was not very caring after all... :(

    ReplyDelete
  32. That sort of "cleanse" sounds like the kind of thing that would help a girl fit into a dart dress, no?

    Glad you are on the mend!

    xo style, she wrote

    ReplyDelete
  33. Is your bathroom floor still sparkling? I shall take note of that tip and take a toothbrush with me: my grouting needs some attention.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Somehow I missed this post-and I'm glad I caught it. I'm 52 and have been 'puttin off' filling out the paperwork for my 'cleansing'. You did good-so I must follow suit. Thanks for the encouragement. I like the idea of a good roto rooter ever now and then!
    xx, Heather

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...