Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Travel Ailment That Dare Not Speak It's Name

I threatened promised a post on that most agonising of travel conditions. By process of er, elimination, you may want to skip this one if it doesn't affect you...there is too much information below on every level.



Oh how many vacations has this ailment ruined for me? Every one. I listen to people's stories of Turkey(insert the country) Trots and just feel envy. Anything would be better than this.

Remember this? Me hiking the Waikaromoana trail (NZ) at Christmas. Longdrop dunnies in the background


At some stage I always end up walking around looking six months pregnant and in agony and afraid to eat anything in case it makes it worse.  I've tried everything: fruit (makes it worse), oatmeal, not eating, weetabix, kiwi fruit. And of course the constipation tablets from the pharmacy that cause an apocolyptic situation.  Magnesium has some results. But the only thing that works for sure is: "A call from your mother." You read that right. And I've heard that advice from friends in NZ, US and Japan.

The only thing about  having this condition is the magical lessons you learn about life.

*There's always someone worse off than you:
I thought I was bad while traveling in Egypt, Jordan and Syria. (The bananas and pita bread were not a good combo for me ) It was days, then weeks and even my elasticised cotton trou were screaming with the pain. In the Wadi Rum, Jordan, I accidentally bumped into an acquantaince from university days. "It's been six weeks" she said (and she'd been to boarding school so was well used to communal bathrooms.) "Montezumas Revenge is looking like Nirvana right now."

*Everyone has a story:
When she first started dating her now husband, my friend went to stay with his family on the East Coast. Everyone was so excited she was coming that a couple of Aunts came to stay too. So there was six people staying in a tiny house with a teeny bathroom that was off the kitchen - and the bathroom also had the washer drier in it.
"As you can imagine" my friend says "By the end of the week I almost had to be treated by a surgeon with a pickaxe."

*Endlessly fascinating how people look at things:
When I was a chalet girl in Champery, Switzerland, cooling and cleaning for ski guests, one of the guests, a beautiful, sparkling London girl-about-town who I won't name, confided that she had the same ailment. "There's one thing I've learned in my life so far" she said "Sex is overrated and pooping is underrated."

We're off to a restaurant called Red Dog tomorrow night. I should be doing this..




But I want to do this.

Red Dog comfort food

The heart wants what the heart wants.

Friends, go in peace and ease ...or just... go.


43 comments:

  1. Well at first I envied you for having an elasticised trou (look up the word in French), then I realized it was short for trousers. This is a great post, I love the model's quote; great common sense. In Judaïsm we have a prayer that we say after having ... been. Some people find it strange but honestly problems in that area can just ruin your life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jeepers, just looked it up, the French word, - how apropro!
      I know... they laugh at me but they know not how I suffer...

      Delete
  2. Travel does the same to me. Junior year abroad was a nightmare. Now I have learned that access to coffee and my hotel bathroom room in the early am does the trick. Good luck with that communal sleeping arrangement on the pilgimage!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. We may have to cut out every now and then and stay in a one room hotel with ensuite.

      that's why I've gone on The Plan, though I can't see how the European cold cuts and cheese for breakfast will fit into it

      Delete
    2. Spaniards and Italians don't do the cold cuts and cheese breakfast thing. If you see it at a hotel it's there for the northern Europeans. It's really just coffee and that DOES help.

      Delete
    3. Two shots of espresso would help the walk too. Do they not have anything for brekkie? I wonder what the pilgrims hostels will provide?

      Delete
    4. You will be there during fig season. Fresh figs work wonders.

      Delete
  3. Jody, I did heed your advice right after I took a nice peek at your white undies selfie. I need to download software that can automatically delete women's plumbing issues or anything remotely bodily functional. Whenever my old college buddies wanted to out hustle me for that last slice of pizza all they had to say was "C-section" and I was running towards the loo.


    Just have somebody come get me when the coast is clear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOLOL, yes that was a nice snap of me wasn't it? Coast is clear from tomorrow eve when I will post on TopShop in their ice cream to eskimos move to the US.

      Delete
  4. Laughed out loud about the pick axe comment!!!! Are you drinking lots of water?

    Those scary outdoor toilets send a cold shiver of fear down my spine…your face looks very sad indeed xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least you're having some alone time. But yeah the creatures with the beady little eyes love it in there

      Delete
  5. Fags and tea. V.bad... but, I never bloat or trot unless I have food poisoning.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, that worked for me when I was smoking at varsity too. Those were the halicon (halcyon?) days

      Delete
  6. I have this problem when travelling but I think it has something to do with the air conditioning on the plane. I am in agony on the plane. I had reflexology on hols recently and when she touched my foot in the area associated with the bowel I nearly kicked her in the face. Of course I could not tell her the real reason so I made up an excuse. But great post if somone has the solution please let know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know - beyond the call your mother one - there is nothing full proof as far as I can see

      Delete
  7. Oh, must have been so uncomfortable! Air travel is the worst, I think. Magnesium oxide or citrate tabs are very safe; senna is gentle herb treatment. I didn't send my daughter to Africa with any remedies for this ( tons for the opposite!) and during the family stay in Arusha, all they ate was ugali, the corn mush. The only topic of morning conversation among 26 college students was any bowel action!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lane, yes and I'm always tempted to eat absolutely everything they put in front of you and its the worse for the bunging up.

      Delete
  8. I thought it was just me. Sorry to hear so many others share this problem :-( I've found airplanes to be terrible recently.I have no solution other than to cut down on travel, and say a quick prayer during take-off ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh a fellow sufferer...yes why is traveling so much worse? They must have done something to the aircon, maybe its a plot. I did buy some of that new stuff that you add to water, vitamins etc, but it wasn't that great though it did make you drink loads more water

      Delete
  9. Have you ever been to Bodega Bay by any chance? Watching 'The Birds' made me think of San Fran, Alfred Hitchcock, etc.
    Zachary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Zachary, yes, it's close by. I need to do a tour of all those Hitchcock spots

      Delete
  10. I'm really not able to relate to this....and I wish I could! I poo every morning without fail...sometimes twice....and I don't think in my nearly 60 years I have ever experienced constipation.....so the other side of the coin to you but also a pain as I nearly always need the loo!! now my sister on the other hand...well lets just say it can get to the point where we might need to call out dynorod.....

    ReplyDelete
  11. I only suffered from this when I was pregnant, both times, and it was hell. As I couldn't take anything chemical, my doctor suggested I eat 3 prunes when I got up BEFORE eating or drinking anything. They work on an empty stomach. Prunes, water, exercise. The prunes worked marvellously on day one, but not after. My hormones weren't taking any nonsense!

    I wonder why it only happens to you when you travel. That's bizarre.

    ReplyDelete
  12. As kids, almost every time we planned to travel "abroad," one of Himself's more senior and experienced partners would share his travel notes and hints from the destination. These were often hilariously naive (warning: expect the Sound and Light pageant of Indian history at the Red Fort to be extremely pro-Indian), and very, um, physiological. The man had severe constipation issues, and for years I thought of the Mena House in Cairo as "the place where Mr. L's lifetime constipation record came to an end."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hilarious! He sounds like a Somerset Maughan character!

      Delete
  13. I don't use strange toilets, hate them, my system just shuts down. In fact I have recurring nightmares about trying to find a clean toilet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't even mind if they are not clean, I just vant to be alone in there. I would have done really badly in a sorority though in NZ we did dorm the first year. Apparently nowadays in dorms, it boys and girls all in the same loo and shower block - horrendous!!

      Delete
  14. Jody, Awful right? Traveling is just tough with all that. I find if I do probiotics, I have less problems. Also try to eat veg or salads..and a lot of water..Sharing the bathroom really makes it worse. Hope all is good before your trip. xx Kim

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do find pineapple works, but she told me on Day three Papaya is reactive for me as i eat loads of papaya a week

      Delete
  15. Oh god, welcome to my world. I went to Ghana a few years ago with oldest child. We were warned not to eat salad stuff because of the water contamination (I'm also very susceptible to runny tummy). We spent the whole time eating rice, toast and other "binding" food. Neither of us "went" for the whole week we were there and arrived back at my mother's in England looking about 6 months' pregnant.
    On the other hand, if I take a flight of more than four hours, it has the complete opposite effect...... Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So Africa is out for me then??I would have eaten the lettuce...and still be bunged up.

      As my husband said this morning when I weighed myself for The Plan, I'm a mutant, I am the only person who goes on a painful diet and doesn't lose weight (although I've gone on it to find reactive foods, you'd think I'd lose something!)

      Delete
  16. COFFE?I think your a tea drinker.......Drink coffee in the AM!
    Just another suggestion............

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes to coffee, though I actually have lattes. Now with The Paln I have to have Rice Dream, now sure if I have to keep on doing that.... and I'm not sure how the Spaniards are going to take to me asking for two shots of espresso with Rice Dream. They'll probably hoik into it

      Delete
  17. I don't think you are alone in this! I wish I had a magic cure for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, please wave your wand in the meantime...

      Delete
  18. I'm always the same on holiday. I used to think it was strange loos, sitting at a different angle maybe or, as my husband reckons, I'm literally anally retentive.
    On our trip round Iceland I was bunged up for days. Eventually took some laxatives, I only for them to kick in as I was throwing up on a whale watching trip. Couldn't get my waterproof trousers off fast enough...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You've hit the nail on the head. Must be nice traveling with a doctor! Yes the prob with taking those things - you have to clear your schedule and be prepared for the eventuality

      Delete
  19. Coffee is my best advice, or even espresso, when in Europe. I always like to have my coffee early so that everything is 'good' before I leave for the work day. TMI? I think not in this post! ;) Hope things are 'going' well Jody. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love the French bread but always have to stay away from it, mores the pity. I just remind myself that its squishy soft at 7am (the bread) but you could kill someone with it by midnight.

      Delete
  20. Gosh I thought it was only me! I'm the first in the loo when we return home though, something about English air? Never had a Delhi Belly, but sometimes a gallon of strong coffee can get me moving!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it always does end up being a galloon for me too

      Delete
  21. Jody--- you've got me blushing! Fortunately, this is not something I suffer from, but I do feel horrible for you- it sounds awful!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Same for me. One camping holiday I went for two weeks. Strange toilets and no solitude = bung up

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...