Pain in the Peloton

I've taking up cycling. Turns out, it matters not a bag of spanners if you've bought the fanciest bike and the most padded-ed shorts. It's always going to feel like you are riding naked like the cyclists below. A pain in the royal Peloton...

Bodypainted cyclists. Source

We've signed up for a rigorous bike ride in the summer - 60 miles a day - through the South of France. One of my 50th birthday (yes, it's whole year of celebrating) things.  It's in 10 weeks. Just one problem. I didn't actually own a bike. And another problem. I haven't really ridden a bike since I was 12.

So first step: I bought all the guff. Oh the bicycle shorts! They bring out the babe in you. As in baby - it's like wearing superpooper diapers. They bring out the animal in you. Elephant knees anyone? "I'm so depressed about my bloopy legs now!" I wailed to my friend Lisa, who replied: "The clothes for cycling are not cute. If you want cute - take up golf."

Armed with bike, helmet, glasses, arm warmers, I drove out to Lafayette, a green and lush land just ten mins through the tunnel from where we live in Oakland. I parked in a lonely street and whoomped onto my bike. Crash! Whoomp back on again. Eventually I had my two feet in the toe-clips. Then smash, crash, splat, me and the bike were eating the road. It turns out when you stop, you need to know how to unclip your feet.

Up again and giving a cheery wave to the two lots of contractors working opposite: "First time! I'm okay! Don't worry!" Thumbs up from the workmen.

An hour and two huge crashes later I was still riding up and down the same street and the workmen were tired of giving the encouraging thumbs up.

I managed to head out to the real roads and cycled for another hour. One more tremendous crash which forced the bike seat sideways. If you think cycling is uncomfortable, try riding with the seat turned sideways.

I took the bike back to the store to get fixed.  "I crashed a lot!" I wailed to the girl at the bike store. "Oh, it's not bad - you're not bloody" she said. Then the staff gathered around -  I needed to practise, practise, practise my toe clipping for hours in front of the TV. So that's what I'm doing. Good news is I'm all caught up with SpongeBob and the new season of Mad Men.

Me doing heel clips training with SpongeBob

I headed to Walnut Creek (not without driving home and taking a shower - you see I have made cycling into the biggest carbon footprint sport in the land.)  Greeted my friend Lisa in front of the new Neiman Marcus. Lisa had seen these gold wing-tipped shoes (see - essentially golf-inspired shoes) on a blog but couldn't track who makes them...this was our challenge.

Via: ReasonsToBreathe Has anyone seen these shoes?

We formed a small but experienced Pelaton of two and entered the store. There was swerving, there was scooping, there was checking back and surging ahead but ultimately each corner was covered. I've finally hit my stride. There's stores in France right?

Lisa and I finding recruits for the peloton

Lisa fearlessly leading our peloton of two 

How To Hold A Successful Fundraiser

A "topless" Martha Stewart mixed with killer bees and Sarah Palin. Dinner ladies were suddenly besties with Donatella Versace. Sort of. We were at the Saturday Night Live themed fundraiser for our kids' Kindergarten-through-8th Grade Oakland public school. I'm not sure how I could have escaped SNL phenom but I have never seen the show. (Maybe because I'm a Kiwi who lived in London for 15 years) There was no doubt: the Pats, with their tight perms and pressed khakis, stole the night.

D...k In A Box, two Pats, Roseanne Roseannadana

I don't pretend I've come even close to running these auctions in the nine years we've been at the school. The stress would drive me wild and crazy and not in a good way. But I have done bits and bobs around the periphery and I am speechless with admiration for the parents who run it.

Mary Katherine Gallagher and Martha Stewart's Topless Christmas

Me, Killer Bees, Kevin and the Wild and Crazy Guys

Our fundraising pays for, among other things; classroom aides, music, reading, art, language, science, some building maintenance and supports of local children's charities. As I wrote last year, the extent of our fundraising is a revelation to some of my friends in New Zealand where tax dollars actually pay for a decent education. In past years the school fundraiser has grossed up to $303,000. Most of my friends outside this area find it astounding that parents of a tiny (320 kids) Oakland public school can raise this much in just one night. Parents host trips and parties and local merchants donate goods and services, there is a silent and live auction and we all bid as high as we can afford.

Shy Ronnie and Bonnie

A couple of years ago we donated a New Zealand dinner and a Mad Men party at our house.This year we donated a "Beer Pong Saved My Life" Party. Guests will come as they were at college: dude, nerd, artsy fringy. A rousing round of beer pong will be followed by a visit from a gourmet food truck and fancy cocktails as well as keg beer. Our fellow Spartan, Justin, made this fabulous golden trophy which the lucky winner will carry home to take pride of place on their mantle. Normally I would be very reluctant to dress as a cheerleader - even a mad one like The Spartans - but it fit the party. Our other idea was The Coneheads but we thought that would be waaay too popular. Mass quantities of them. Funnily enough, zero parental units turned up in those terribly attractive elongated bald headgear. Yes, funny that.

Justin holds the golden trophy!

Jody's Tips:

1) Costumes:
Pick a popular theme so people are inspired to dress up. They have more fun and bid higher. Previous themes at our auctions: Superheroes (I was Poison Ivy, Kevin was Wonder Woman) Olympics (we went as Jamaican Bobsledders) Peace, Love and Green (we went as Green Day) and The Eighties (I was heyday Boy George, Kevin was community service Boy George clutching a broom).

2) Buy It Now
Stipulate "Buy it Now" prices on all silent auction items. Bidders can sign up for that top price instead of having to hang around the table watching the bids.  For example, many of the 20 couples who signed up for our party did the $400 "Buy It Now" price.

3) Free wine, no lines.  Say no more.  It's for the kids.

Statue of Liberty

 I asked Greg Quiroga, our auctioneer for seven years, what makes for a successful auction:


1) Do your auction during dinner

Maximize your attendee’s time, and don’t be afraid to focus on fundraising. There is a finite time between when people show up at an event, and when they are “done.” If you put your auction at the very end of the night, it will be perceived as the least important thing. People will leave. You will make less money. Give them 20 minutes at their tables to hang out, and then start your program.

2) Get your message out pre-event

Make sure people know they are coming to a fundraiser, and that they know where the money goes. Do not assume that your crowd knows how much money you need, or even why you need the money. Most important is to make sure people know what is expected of them when they arrive: do not invite people to a party and then blindside them with an auction. Invite them to a benefit where they can help you change the world, and show them how they can help you – simply by participating in your auction.

3) Do an appeal for straight donations

Whether you call it a “fund a need”, “raise your paddle”, “random acts of kindness”, “waterfall”, “fund the future” or any other name, make sure you do it. It is the point in the auction where you ask the crowd to come together and simply give you money. Done right it has the potential to be the emotional cornerstone of your event.  (Our school does "Raise Your Paddle." Adding this when Greg started seven years ago has raised $280,000 alone.)

4) Auction access

The best things you can sell in your fundraising auction aren’t things, they are access to events, experiences or people that one cannot otherwise get. Dinner in a nice restaurant is a good lot, but what you should be after is to get that chef to go to the winning bidder’s house to cook. “Celebrity” varies from event to event: at schools the principal is often a celebrity. At some organizations it is the executive director, a particular board member or even a group. Identify your organization’s “celebrities” and build lots around them.

5) Hire a professional fundraising auctioneer

You want a professional who is focused solely on fundraising, will consult on your event in advance, and has a proven track record engaging crowds similar to yours. Of course the professional fundraising auctioneer is going to say this, but the difference a professional can make in your event is significant. (For example, this year raised more than three times what the auction raised before Greg was involved.)

What other tips would you add to this list?

Easy Ski With Kids

On Friday I promised we would chat about easy ski-ing and riding with kids. We already know how to ski and ride, we're Instant Experts!  We know that constantly checking our I-thingies on the road for changes in conditions is a nightmare. So today we're ready for easy ski WITH kids. Yes, bit of an oxymoron. Let's just say easy-er.

Me and Kids 

Kevin and I have skied with our four kids - now ages 13 to seven - all their lives. In Switzerland, France, Denver and Utah. And last year we realised our lifeline to enjoyment was our friend Nancy. She and her family have skied nearly every winter weekend for eleven years.  Whenever we make a ski decision it's: What Would Nancy Do?

Nancy

I won't pretend we've found a way to make ski-ing cheap or insult anyone's intelligence by using the word "inexpensive" but there is a way to spend up-front and ease the stress, the eternal lines, the constant hurry-up-and-wait and the thought: "This run is costing me $100".  Re-calculating on the lift: "No, actually it's more like $120".

Nor will there be an end to those utterly euphoric times when you find yourself re-buying kids' gloves. Or your own. On Saturday I left  my snowboard at the cabin (so $32 rental for the day) and unbelievably couldn't find any of the six gloves liners we bought last month ($16 for a new pair) There will forever be the temptation to spend even more money to make it a slightly better experience -  $20 for parking at the front instead of walking the kids all the way through the lot? Ooookay...

1. Renting a ski house for the season. You can go in with other families - make sure you have vacationed with them previously, you need to have similar parenting styles. We have a three-bedroom cabin with hot tub by ourselves to protect others from the ghastliness of our family's morning communications, but I know four families who share a four bedroom cabin and it's working out fine.

We opted for Tahoe Donner, a nearby village, because it's at least a third cheaper than something on the mountain. You'll pay anything from $7,000 to $20,000 (for a rock star place) for the five months from Dec to May. (To compare, a night's stay will cost you between $300 and $550.) These days you can negotiate the price and ask for fewer months.  A season's house means you take your gear and most of your food just once. You don't dread your ski weekend all week as most of the awfulness of ski-ing is the packing.

2. We signed all the kids up for the "Locals" programme at Alpine, the only ski-field in Tahoe to do this kind of thing. Originally it was for local kids to learn without the commitment and travel of a ski team, but now outsiders can join. Kids can go half or full days, Sat or Sunday, or both. The teachers are on a par with those at Alta, Utah - the best. My kids go all day Sunday which means Kevin can practise for his "cross country races" (We suspect he spends a goodly potion of the day reading his Kindle in a cafe ...and good on him) and I pootle around the mountain on my board and eat multiple cinnamon buns in peace.

4. Pack your lunch. Even easier, get your kids to pack their own lunch. This saves us $100 per day. Alpine even has a microwave where you can zap last night's leftovers. I am such a buy-lunch person so this was a huuuge leap for me, but seriously how many white bread bowls filled with goopy chilli can you take?

5. Leave home on Friday night at 7pm. That will almost guarantee the drive to Tahoe is three hours (as much as anything is guaranteed on snow roads.)  On Sunday night, leave for home at 7pm. I'm sure this applies to places other than Tahoe.

6. This is my one, not Nancy's.  Ensure your kids put on all their gear before they get in the car. Gloves, helmets everything. It makes it kind of hot in the car, but they're even keener to get out in the cold air. 

All of this so one magical day your kids reach the same level as you, allowing you to ski together happily. The angels are singing in their heavens that day; you race each other down, you compare techniques, you laugh, you kid, you study the maps at lunchtime. The years of driving, hours spent queuing, the money spent on ski lessons, it's all worth it. 

The next day...just 24 hours later, they're so, so much better than you. On Saturday, Harley and Jackson waited for me, run after run. Finally they ventured very kindly and slowly:  "Do you mind if we do the jumps? You can stand at the side and take some pictures if you like. You'll be safe there, Mum 'Bye!"

And as the sun worked it's way down the sky and the shadows grew longer,  the lone rider rolled in...for her last cinnamon bun of the day.

The Lone Rider (moi)

What are your tips for easy skiing?

Hula Haka with Beaver

If you ever thought you were too old to learn to surf - just leave it to Beaver to teach you! I don't mean the boy in the 1960's US TV show who adventured in suburbia. No, I mean the surf instructor down the road from us in Ohope Beach who's called Beaver. Under his tutelage everyone learns to surf - well stand up and go along anyway - by the end of his classes at the By Salt Spray Surf School. And the secret is to do the Haka, a Maori war dance,  and then do the Hawaiian Hula.

 

I wasn't totally convinced  I would stand up, but we were promised a sticker and certificate by the end of the class and I am a sucker for a nice sticker. Surely it also gives you the right to say Dude without fear of reprisal or sneering. Beaver is a man who has life supremely sussed; he teaches surfing over the summer, then heads to Bali with his wife and family to simply ride the waves for months on end. 

First off - how did he get that name. "My real name's Bevin, so I've always just been Beaver." So not the animal? I asked. No he said, and not because I swim like a beaver or smell like a beaver or - you know.... Yes, yes, quite.

Oh and what about the new surfing terms, I ask. "Oh, really, they're just the same as they always were" he said. Well, in my day, 30 years ago, they were "Rip, Tear and Lacerate Those Waves"...and something about "Radical Re-Entry" so I feel good to go with those ones, though when we start to practise on dry land it all turns to custard.

The drills start slow, then go faster faster. Tummy on board, feet up-turned at the back of the board, quick schoosh onto knees - then haka legs and knees aggressive and arms spread wide. Followed by the hula hips undulating with the wave. Not skiting (showing off) I suspect I'm going to shine when it gets to the hula... but it's a bit tricky actually getting there. Thing is: I'm having problems with the one-move schooshing from tummy to knees, so I do a bit of a three-step schlocking and hope noone notices.

I would just write myself off as an oldster grommet (learner), but last summer at aged 73 my father was a graduate of Beaver's school, so no excuses there.

Out on the water, it all starts to make sense and with a bit of "Ohheeeeroohhherwahwah " I do get up, though, as the pics shows, with a too-earnest placement of arms and desperate smile. I had hoped for a rather inspiring soaring eagle effect, though I see from the photos it's more clipped Kiwi bird.

Tallulah and her cousin Leah, both nine, got it all together when they got together.

You might be starting to wonder why I've lived near or on Ohope Beach all my growing-up life and I'm a learner at age 48? Why don't I have 30 years of surfing under my belt? Why am I not known as the J-Wave or J-Seal or JoOcean. Truthfully, it was not as comfortable for grommets or girls in my day and when I had a few goes at it, I was razzed mercilessly.  Across the ditch in Australia Kathy Lette met the same resistance in her surfer chick days, but persevered and recorded her experiences famously in her coming-of-age proto-feminist novel Puberty Blues .

It would have been a brilliant idea if I too had tried to crack the sport, hang with the knarly dudes and write a best selling novel. Instead I went back to what I knew and was good at.  I became the Samurai Sunbather. Honestly there was noone who could sunbathe with greater skill and with more tenacity and consistency  than me. Hours of slow cooking in the sun - we're talking first light to dusk - slathered with Johnson's baby oil (and for the Samurai that included face and hair). Other co-sun-bathers dropped off by lunch time, early afternoon. Some toddled inside to watch TV, others to do their homework, others to play sports, the rest to simply pursue their lives out of the sun. Amateurs. I would remain at my station, my possie only altering slightly as the sun moved in the sky.

There was no reading - how could you, the sun had to reach each side of your nose and cheeks. Chatting was possible with face full-on but no gesticulating. It was the most satisfying activity in the world; the more time I put in, the more accolades I received: "Gor" even passers-by would remark, "your legs are so nice and brown". The legs were the part of your body which ultimately showed most, and particularly at high school where we had a uniform.  Other less serious sunbathers would fall for the obvious mistake of concentrating on browning their back. Too easy, I would think, obviously someone weak enough to lapse into reading and sunbathing. And a costly error - the back is seldom seen during a day at school.

"Heck" another would add "Look how even!" My legs were the brownest but generally I could pride myself on a sweeping unanimous golden brown.

Of course how could I have known real tans would come to be seen as cancer-ridden ugly masks and sunbathers as the lepers of the Nineties and the Naughties.  My long-term laying out would produce sun spots, untold wrinkles and my knowledge of exact positioning in the sun would become as redundant as tapes.

How, how, how could I have got it so wrong? It's been devastating.

Mind you, thinking back I also always thought Captain and Tennille were genius and would forever hit the Top Ten...

Ohope Moping

Moping was a word my Uncle Bill used to use. "Whatcha doing?" I would ask. "Nothing...just mopin' around." Uncle Bill's kind of moping was not a bad thing, in fact it was a very good thing, a state of utter relaxing and contenting around the house.

Which is exactly the activity I find myself indulging in at Mum and Dad's house in Ohope Beach, New Zealand. Always on the blue couch. Finding that correct position on the blue couch so you could remain there for hours on end, lifting your magazine up only to see if the sea is bluer or rougher or simply still there. Or whether that skimboarder (below) has fallen over..

Not being a skite (show-off) but I have achieved utter perfection in my pursuit of sloth over the years. For one, you must be satisfactorily fed and watered before you slip into the boomphy embrace of the blue couch as it's perilously hard to rise again. The hours spent reading Mum's magazines from six years ago - reading an actual book is technically cheating - is only interrupted by the three squares that regularly appear; breakfasts of French toast, bacon and endless slices of toast with butter and apricot preserves. Then lunch of fresh ham, watermelon and arugula leaves followed pretty closely by a dinner of Terakihi fish freshly caught by Dad's fishing friend, Crash, potatoes from our pine tree farm and rocket salad.


Of course my sister Pietra is here too so it makes for a pretty dance to see us vying for the corner blue couch. This is the better blue couch of the two as you barely have to lift your magazine to see the sea, in fact an eyebrow raise would do it.

Mum and Dad's house has a soothing, soporific quality - the reasons for which I have spent many hours contemplating...on the corner blue couch.  Is it the sun, the constant sounds of the sea, Mum's tropical garden, where the plants looked so happy and tended. Or the backdrop of Pohutukawas hanging from the cliff behind, stalwart and stoic.
 

Or is it the underlying sense of order from your parents' household where the baking tin is full, the dishes are stacked into the dishwasher directly you've eaten and fridge is chocka full of meats and marinated things bobbing around in tightly-shut containers.  You know all is right in the world when you see both homemade lemon honey and Essence of Hibiscus Flowers in a fridge. There is no chaos left in your life,  your only decisions now being whether you should imbibe as much Deutz as you did last night. 

Their house is modern and spare, clad in denim-blue corrugated iron and sea-spray bleached wood. But there is no preciousness about the modernity inside or out. You will find displayed every gift they've ever been given together with all the finds from their travels; the Lladro they bought in France, the wooden apple faces of the old couple bought in Switzerland, the shells from their five years in Papua New Guinea.

Yesterday our arrival and subsequent relaxation was only blipped by the required visit down to the water's edge where Tallulah was initially overawed by the sharp sun and waves.  So she collected shells with Grandpa until she was used to it all.

Then I handed out the glossy Hobo evening purses I had bought as gifts. I had purchased a whole box of them and people get to pick what colour they want. I got the idea after Pietra said to me: "I've always wanted one of those evening purses -  but who gets around to buying them?" I'm so happy with my gifts. What do you think?

Then we realised I had forgotten Tallulah's swimsuit and so it was over the hill to the discount store The Warehouse, a sort of Cosco of the South Pacific. Slogan: "Where everyone gets a bargain". They were true to their word and I came away with a NZ$20 bronze and flax beach bag and suits galore for Tallulah as well as a very Parisian dress which both Tallulah and her cousin Leah both liked.

But after all that wild activity it was time to calm down and get back to the blue couch for a spot more mopin'...

How to Ski and Ride: It's Opposite Day!

We're been up here in Tahoe skiing and snowboarding all week. It's not always self-evident but I have taken lessons in both for years; in France, Switzerland, Utah and Tahoe. You could call me the International Lesson Queen. Or, after seeing me ski and ride, the Worldspan Absolute Beginner.

For some it might seem like the most fruitlessly inane pursuit in the world, handing over hundreds of dollars per day for the privilege of clicking plastic sticks on your feet and skidding down snow with a drippy nose and sore feet. But with the wind in your goggles, and a bellyful of Mountain Cafe transfat and sugar, is there any better feeling in the world?

For sure you can spend many years not mastering it. I have studied the frustrations of the big-toe little-toe, heel-toe nonsense all over the world. On the Chanel-clad slopes of Champery in Switzerland (where I was a young, foolish Chalet girl, but that's another story) to the duct-taped boots and down-hominess of the steep slopes of Alta, Utah. And what I have learned from all those years of listening, doing, paying and more paying can be distilled into just a few short (and slightly crude) adages. So this is my Christmas gift to you for being such great readers and friends in the six months since I started this blog...

It doesn't matter if you're skiing, riding, or telemarking, the principles are the same.

1.  Are You Smarter Than a First Grader?  Try not to be.  Most of the truest wisdoms are at the level of my six-year-old, Cy.  And aren't all of life's best lessons learned in First Grade? Any instructor who starts drawing in the snow with his pole, talking about fall lines, equidistant whatsits and putting crosses through circles and wiggle lines has lost me.

2. It's Opposite Day! This is something Cy says. As in "Tallulah, you're so beautiful and smart...sucked in - it's Opposite Day!" or "Harley, you're such a cool dude! Fooled Ya! it's Opposite Day". I won't bore you with any more of Cy's linguistic gymnastics but whatever you think you know as a sane, logical adult, just forget it. Because every move you make on the snow is counter-intuitive. You have to head straight down the hill. Just go. Yes, now, go! Not all the time but for some of it. If you don't head down the hill you won't turn and you will fall over. So it's all about...

3. Dive For Danger! This is the classic from the instructors in Alta Utah, the least pretentious, wisest instructors ever. Just point your nose down the hill and diiiiive fooor daaanger! Then turn.

4. Push The Bush! This is one my friend Sally got from a telemarking clinic. Women tend to lean forward when they bend their knees which is called - by me anyway - the "LC" Lavatory Crouch.  (Apologies to Lauren Conrad, she seems a very nice girl with good skin). LC feels nicely safe and bendy but in fact causes you to lean backwards. With snow sports you need to stand taller than you think.  This phrase struck me as total genius and is one I passed onto a ski clinic in Alta. It had a mixed reaction: some women giggled, some nodded, recognising an Aha moment,  and from just a few -  appalled silence. Then those few murmered "Oh disgusting" and avoided me for the next three days. Their loss and I'll bet they are secretely taking advantage of my words as I write. The Instant Expert never takes offence, as with all visionaries I accept there will be the doubters.

5. Pee for Distance! This is another jolly good one, similar to above and resonates with both men and women, even if you've never had to teach a little boy how to hit the toilet. Our snowboarding instructor here at Alpine told us this one just two days ago. When you finish the toe side turn, then pee for distance. This gets you up and stretching out in front and not on your back board. Pic below - not getting the distance.

6. Hold Your Shoulders Back and Put Your Best Points Forward: This is one from my mother, Madeleine, an all-sound superb message for life really but does just as well on the snow.  Again it gets you standing up straighter, not slumping. Also handy for looking better in clothes and instantly eliminating poochy tummy. I'm always quite amazed that someone hasn't stolen this idea from Mum, written a book and charged big money to attend "Best Points Forward" conferences in swanky hotel lobbies. Beggars belief someone's not onto it. But this is probably the sort of head shaking you would get from the guys who invented fire, sliced bread and sun loungers with holes to put your face through so you can read on your stomach. "Why, why?"they must say"Why hasn't someone thought of this before. It's so obvious."

7. Don't Shop For Turns: I know, I know, like me you pride yourself on being a brilliant shopper doing the rounds comparing "investment" buys. Spend to save, it's the only way. Debating whether to pay $100 extra for that Lepore blouse or just settle on the similar H&M one that may fall apart after two wears, yes this is important research. Forget all that. Turn now. Yes now. No don't ski over there to the fluffy patch, oh you did it, now you've lost your groove and you can't make the turn. You're too close to that four year old, you're going to take that old guy out. If you'd just turned back then...

See how easy?