Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Gotta Have Friends

We're constantly being barraged with ways we can pare down, simplify, de-clutter. But what if you love stuff and for you, more is more?

The Contessa of Orinda in her kitchen: More is More

Last Friday I was invited to a small birthday lunch hosted by Elizabeth Kirkpatrick, 5ft11 and sparkly-eyed, who is known locally as "The Contessa." Elizabeth owns The Hen House, a store in Lafayette which is chockablock with her market finds from France and Italy. Her house is similarly chockablock. "I love stuff" she shrugs, adjusting her pink leather apron.

Elizabeth is warm and unpretentious, the first to make fun of herself, laughing uproariously when her flourless cake blooped all over the show. Her stuff she says is "Frou frou and tu-tu, all in differing stages of decay..." After the bloopy cake, she introduced us to her latest culinary find, Pashmak, a Persian Fairy Floss that she bought back from Australia which tasted like chocolate and halva. One of the guests declined, saying it looked too much like hair.

The "birthday girl" Linda with Contessa Elizabeth in her kitchen




The flourless cake that mysteriously blooped ...
The boars head Valentine gift for the husband who likes prosciutto

Pashmak, Persian Fairy Floss from Australia

Amid all the silk frocks, feather headgear, old glassware, velvet sofas and wood credenzas (there is even a large statue of St. Francis of Assisi in the guest loo) was a real boar's head with top hat and heart and a"Be Mine" sign -  a Valentine gift to her Italian husband who loves prosciutto.

There were seven women at the lunch and "birthday girl" Linda was turning 53. I have known Linda for four years (through our nine-year-old sons) and I was her newest friend there. The others had known her from grade school, high school, university or her first job in the 80's working for someone who distributed Gucci totes.

This made me think about friendships: ten years ago we arrived in the Bay Area, California from London. We knew only two people. It took at least three years to sort out some good friends and like dating you had to kiss a lot of frogs. Plus the husbands have to get on and preferably the kids too.

At the risk of sounding like a complete dingdong quoting celebrities, I've always remembered Jennifer Aniston saying she was wary of people who changed their friends every two years, that friendship requires work just like any relationship. (She and Courtney Cox have seen each other through infidelities, heartbreak and worse, Jen's dreadful movie choices. Cushioned ever so slightly, one would imagine, by their luxury vacays in Mexico.)

Friends can drive each other crazy and sometimes you have to take a break. Or someone slowly drops you - mostly with women this happens without a blow-up. I've become much more sentimental about old friends and realise now what a rubbish friend I was at 'varsity when I was in my 20's.

Four of the women at lunch had grown children who had left home and they missed them terribly. It put paid to all my whining about how crazy-making my kids are.

Elizabeth told me: "Enjoy all the moments and the noise. I miss the noise. I miss the towels on the floor and the dirty shoes in the living room. It's been seven years since they've been gone and I'm still so sad."

But you have the store, I said. "Yes, and that gets me up in the morning." she said "Make sure you have something like that when your kids are gone."



36 comments:

  1. My daughter is 3 months old and now I am feeling sentimental! And I have a BIG move ahead of me-- and I am so intimidated about building new relationships..... Look what you've done to me!!!!

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  2. The great news is: the time you meet some of the best and firmest friends of your life is when your kids are small. Friends who have moved when the kids are in High School say: forget it! (They have relied on their dogs to meet friends.)

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  3. Thanks for sharing your pics and experience - The Countessa's home looks warm and inviting and full of personality!

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  4. Wise advice about having something to plug the gap when the kids are gone. Older returns from Uni this summer just as younger sets sail...neatly (if accidentally) timed! However, I know there will come a time when they have both flown the nest and it will be just me and the Shah...*shivers*

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    1. Quality time, baby! (With the new flatscreen I mean...)

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  5. Some of my friends do really miss their kids now that they've moved out - but not one of them wants to go back to being the live-in servant.I'd love to have a look around the Contessa's home, it looks so different from the usual minamalist decor.

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  6. Goodness, she does have a lot of stuff.

    Thinking about my friends, I don't have one that I made through my kids. I found them by myself quite by chance, or through another friend, or they found me. My kids' friends' parents are often nice enough, but they aren't friends.

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  7. My best friends are those I met when my eldest was in nursery; we all clicked from day 1 and we've now been friends for 16 years. We now now meet in a wine bar instead of the soft play area!

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    1. I should clarify we were in the coffee bar attached to the soft play area, not the ball pit itself!

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  8. I LOVE this look, nothing is predictable and you never know what you might see, that whole pared down look is more of a sanctuary when life is tough, but not much fun.
    If you want to buy the owner a treat, check out Poala Caovilla's 'Couture in the Kitchen', it is the literary equivalent of her interior (and I love how it assumes that all its readers speak English, Italian and French, there is no translation).

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  9. Great post! I have been decluttering, but only of old junk or things that no longer fit or are me. If you visited my house and saw all the stuff gathered hither and yon and inherited, you would think I had not de-cluttered at all!

    During my work sabbatical, I have made it a point to reconnect with all of my friends. They have always been there for me, but I realize, especially as my children get closer to leaving the nest, that those friendships will be what will sustain me!!!

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  10. There is no greater friendship than a true friend who knows when to listen laugh or cry with you.

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  11. What a fun day and what weather we had!Just Gorgeous for the birthday girl!Just don't know what happened to THAT CAKE!I did burn the chocolate a bit as I was melting the squares that must have been a NO NO!I just knew the cake wouldNOT make it to the table as the candles were upright one second and floating direction down the next!

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  12. i really needed to read this today. thank you.

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  13. Replies
    1. Linda,
      Happy birthday wishes to you! Some day our paths will certainly cross after years of hearing about you from our lovely mutual friend Anne.

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  14. Loved seeing the Contessa's kitchen and birthday celebration for Linda. And I thought the cake was meant to look like that (until I read the post) - kinda shabby chic for the kitchen.
    I am an east coast friend of Anne's who was a guest at the luncheon.

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    1. Hi Sigita, thanks for stopping by - maybe we can start a new trend with the bloopy cake!

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    2. Needs to come with an industrial strength cleaner for the floor!

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    3. The cake made the party IMHO. Jody, so glad our paths finally crossed. Love the article and your blog (the solar panel story had me howling.) The next time my friend Sigita is in town we need a gathering--clearly we are all kindred spirits and the kind of friends one makes for a lifetime!

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  15. I'm dreading the day when Ben and George are so independent and leave home. I had a book which says from about the age of 8, that's when the parent's word is no longer God and they don't believe everything that comes from your mouth. It's when they stop fidgeting, stop skipping and when they stop kicking their legs under the table. I constantly watch Ben's legs - they're still swinging for the time being. He's coming up to 7. My time is nearly up.

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    1. My kids started doubting me early on. They say: "Oh that's just in New Zealand Mom, we don't have that here." Little rats.

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  16. My best friends date from way back, some as early as elementary school. I consider myself very friendly person but I don;t make close friends easily and for some reason I never made frieds through my kids, I don;t know why but I could never connect with other moms. Maybe I should get a dog...

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  17. Stuff is tools and guns right? you can never have too much stuff, I just keep on buying bigger houses.

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    1. Thud - that works, especially if you have all the skills to do them up yourself.

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  18. I started a whole new life 7 years ago. I see nothing wrong with changing friends every few years - people move on, grow, change lives...there's nothing to say a friendship has value just because it has lasted 30 years. Maybe they were friends 30 years ago.

    I find so many women today don't put any effort into their friendships and I got sick of trying to keep things alive on my own. Most women I know are busy with their family - I keep hearing about the parties and events they and their kids get invited to. They don't have room for anyone else. So if a friendship doesn't work out with someone, I see no harm in quietly walking away and moving on.

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    1. Loved reading this comment SP. I actually took out a line in this post that said: How do you know when to move on? I think when you find someone undermining or you start to feel badly about yourself because of the things they say, there is no point carrying on. Our bookclub has a rule: No talking about your kids. It's a relief.

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  19. I too love 'stuff'....and yet wish I could de-clutter sometimes....her place looks lovely and the cake looks.....tasty.
    Friends can come and go at any time in your life...when you have them treasure them for as long as they are there.....and me and my mister are trying to enjoy our third (no kids at home) chapter....so far so good!

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  20. So true. Nothing makes me happier than time spent with a good friend. I still have a BFF from childhood. We only see each other annually but talk at least twice a month and some of those chats extend for hours.

    Those relationships are so rare, though. I wish I felt that connection with someone locally but it just hasn't happened (lived here 11 years now). Maybe I don't try enough, being content with what is old and comfortable.

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  21. I love her home and style. What a fun day.

    Totally agree that I have met most of my dear pals from my kids schools. You are right about kissing a lot of frogs. It took me a long time to find a group of folks that I felt were my peeps. At first it was really hard and I just didn't mesh with the baby group I started with. I do think the longer you are friends the more dear people are to you and you have to work at friendships. Some of my friends are so good at that and I try harder to be like them.

    Good thoughts.
    xo
    Kim

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  22. I had just said to GIAMPIERO my husband do your realize we are not friends with any of our boys school parents!!??I find that very odd…………….again I'm a bit different and my husband was not a socializer meaning he does not go to a BAR or watch sports………….so not much in common with most men.From what you wrote I felt a friend of yours "DROPPED YOU"??That happened to me about 6 years ago………..not a day goes by when I don't think of her!I even took her to BELGIUM on my frequent flyer miles for her 50th!She became distant and I was the one always planning and calling……..I just decided to NOT call anymore and never heard from her again!She lives down the street!Someone said, none makes an effort anymore which is so true………you almost have to stalk someone you like to become friends I have found out!Again we AMERICANS are so BUSY doing NOTHING!I had a French friend say that to me once and its so true………….thats another thing that happened when my BOYS left home!The phone stopped ringing!
    La Contessa

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    1. Yes, and it's hard to know whether to confront people to find out whether it was one thing we said - or whether something we said or did was the last straw. Would it be better to know or to keep on not knowing? As one friend said, I suppose what we all have to accept is that we are not everyone's cup of tea...that's a hard one.

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