Monday, March 18, 2013

Napa: A White Smoke Weekend

When the kids were small we used to be organised, prompt and white smoke-decisive. Now they're older we've gotten slacker...15-year-old Harley confessed the other day he'd put forward all the clocks on our computers and i-Phones to curb the creeping tardiness.

Suddenly we're on the fence about everything - for some reason we couldn't decide whether to go up to Napa for Saturday night, even though we had a babysitter.

Farmstead

We went. Napa is a ridiculously bucolic place with vines galore and wood and rusted-iron restaurants both modern and cottage-y. I should be posting loads more pictures of baskets because - let's face it - this is the land of the baskets, but I've been wary of them since a friend broke up with a girlfriend who filled their apartment with a psychopathic number of baskets.

Lucy restaurant for breakfast (I'm pretty sure the wavy wall is inexpensive Porcelenosa tile)


Various options in the loos
Coathangers

Gratuitous food porn. Farmstead: the fat asparagus are baked at 600 degrees, amazing


All the places in town were booked so we stayed in a large B&B which usually I avoid. Our worst B&B experience was 18 years ago at a place in England called Hinton Grange where every nook and cranny featured bossy signs like "Antique - don't sit here" and "12(pounds) to light the fire" when you'd had already paid extra for a room with a fireplace. We were even scolded for not breakfasting with the rest of the guests.

We were up in Napa to meet Kevin's old fraternity friend - I've met a few through the years and they all have names like Shitty, Shlumpy and Flappy.... like fratboy Seven Dwarves.

Our other friends from Oakland had been on the Big Gay Wine Train (That's the name of it, I didn't just make that up) for a night of wine and food pairings hosted by the area's top gay and lesbian vintners. That sounded fun and I'm tempted to sign up next year. I think they'd let me on because as the song says: "All My Friends Are Gay"

There was lots of eating (best dish of the weekend: banana crumble) and my husband's usual talk of diets including the latest one from England called the Fast Diet where you eat what you want all week but only 500 calories for two of the days.

The taxi that took us home had a sign: "Fine for vomiting in the car: $250." Certain details will push the fine up to $500, said the driver. Good thing we didn't have a big night on the turps, I said.

Talking of diets, this morning during school drop off, Fernando and Greg on the radio were discussing cleanses. One listener rang in trilling that the kale-rich Dr Oz cleanse produces the best orgasms ever! Happy Monday.


51 comments:

  1. I'm giggling now! That loo has me just a tiny bit frightened - not good for the indecisive! I have tried the fast diet, it didn't work; well I say tried it, I only managed 1 day!
    Is that lobster with asparagus? It looks heavenly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was unbelievably good! I confess i spent a goodly amount of time in the loos (noted by the table - how embarrassing) and maybe that was because I was indecisive. Was your one day on the Fast Diet the 500 calorie day or the other five days where you can eat what you like???

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    2. the fratboy Seven Dwarves - tee hee, they used to hang around here and I was wondering where they'd got to!

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    3. 1 day of 500 cals and 364 days eat what you like - didn't lose an ounce!

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    4. Whaaa? No fair! I would get my money back from that one!

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  2. Wow diets, B & Bs and orgasms oh my
    You really have it all today under your sky
    And haha never knew there was a fine
    I guess don't drink much when you din
    And no humpty hump in the back seat
    Or you'll be broke when the cabbie kicks you to the street
    And rhymed away
    First this time at your bay

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  3. Replies
    1. What is IG? I should get on Twitter and pinterest and...

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  4. Absolutely hilarious. Especially the trilling part.

    When did going to the loo become so technical now?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know - we need all our degrees just to use the loo

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  5. You always provide the very best visits! Those buttons in the loo make me a bit nervous and I'm totally getting on the Dr. Oz diet ;-) Sounds like a wonderful trip!

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  6. Of course now I want to look up Hinton Grange.......

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    Replies
    1. That's what I was worried about...hopefully they changed hands. They also had signs that included the phrase "Not nice at all' which became one of our standing jokes for years.

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  7. This is a hilarious post - I don't know which bit I liked best - the bit about the wife leaving husband over psychopathic basket tendencies or the multi cleaning loo (does it clean itself though) or the inexpensive porcelanosa tiles wall art (which would be expensive over here).

    Bet you're glad you went though.

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  8. When I lived in Egypt, the loos had a bent tube that could shoot up a jet of water at your nether region. Unfortunately, as they didn't also accompany this with either a drying tube or loo paper, it could make for an embarrassing exit.

    I see that since that time (1984) the Americans have perfected the design...

    You can get basket nuts but cushion nuts are just as bad!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sarah, yes I travelled through Egypt for six weeks on 50 pounds a week so am quite familiar with the bendy pipe, ah the memories.

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  9. Just ate at that very same communal table, in Lucy, recently. Very nice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. V - was thinking of you - yes! Love everything about that place especially the hammock by the pool. What are they like for dinner?

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    2. Have only ever lunched there.

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  10. YOur weekends are ANYTHING but DULL!

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  11. Okay, I eat kale daily and have not noted a difference in my orgasms. Should I up my consumption? I recently read about the Fast Diet. I was intrigued (though I never diet). I could totally starve myself two days a week -- though, fear I would splurge quite a bit on the other days. So, more kale instead.

    I love Napa. Absolutely adore everything about it.

    Okay, now I'm starving. : )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't believe in diets, think they wreck your metabolism...but noone has asked me to write a book about that.

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  12. Gay and lesbian vintners? And the wine...?

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  13. My husband has been on the 5: 2 diet - the fast diet for ten months now, he wa s avery early adopter, he does it for the the health benefits, i don't know how he does it. He hasn't lost any weight ( he does't need to anyway) which makes me fret for those just doing it for weight loss.

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  14. OMG, It normally takes me 6 goes to get your capatcha, I got it ist time, yes!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry I know its a total pain, maybe I should get rid of it...

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  15. You were scolded for not breakfasting with the rest of the guests? Are you sure it was a B&B? ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most B and B have a communal breakfast downstairs, those rooms scare me

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  16. Bahahahahahaha! The bidet options are cracking me up! (which setting did you prefer?)

    Thanks for sharing the lovely photos. And I agree -- the limit is one basket per household, unless we are talking laundry baskets. :D

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    Replies
    1. OOossscilating. No just said that because you have to whisstle your "s"

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  17. I agree with Sue - I don't know what to laugh at first. Napa has always had fantastic food - first place I had a hot dog with lettuce on it. I'll have to try Farmstead next time I'm there.
    Love the sign about charging extra for throwing up in the Taxi. My mother's Wine Ladies group has one woman who constantly over indulges - and whoever drives her home finds out that she always throws up in their car. I'm telling my mother to just put her in a Taxi and see if she can keep it down when it's $250 if she doesn't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beryl - hot dog with lettuce? What else did it have on? That's one to remember. My bookclub is currently reading A Confederacy of Dunces which features loads of hot dogs and something like that might make them more palatable in our next dinner-meeting. (We like to match the theme to the book)
      Wow - that is some kind of Wine Ladies group, they need a collective medal for putting up with that! Yes employ the Napa taxi driver rule!

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  18. Jody, This cracked me up. First of all, I'm like the basket lady..My husband says I'm trying to basketize his life. :P

    I really wouldn't know what to so with that toilet! Also, tried that diet one day and failed. Might try again. I just wanted to eat a ton the second day!

    Once we stayed at a B&B called The Talmadge House in Cambria. I'll never forget all the paper warning signs posted all over.."Turn off fan-burn out motor," and "Children must remain seated at all times during breakfast." and the like. Pretty awful. The lady did make good ebelskevers though.:)

    We always listen Fernando and Greg in the morning on the way to school..Not always pc, but I love it.

    xx
    Kim

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Basketize - that's a word the Sunday Times need to use in their "should be words" section! That B&B must have been totally related to Hinton Grange, "Not nice at all" as they kept adding to everything. btw, what are ebelskevers?

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  19. I love your humor and the way is shines through in your post :)

    That food looks awesome!!!!!

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  20. Oh Jody you do find some fab places. Looking at that table/ bar thing you're sitting at for breakfast - love that. Fat asparagus and a pulsating squirt up the jacksy - what more does a girl need!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes in my next life I want one of those rustic cut out wood table things. And to continue with the Fat A and the jacksy squirts!

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  21. Oh reading this post really makes me miss California! There is just no place like Napa!

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    Replies
    1. Yes we were trying to work out why so relaxing...part of it is the eating and drinking is the whole thing. Well that's most of it really.

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  22. OMG did I really see the photo right - they have pulstating loos that also oscillate!!! Only in America!

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